Rick Warren - Resolving Conflict - Part 1
This weekend, I want to talk about one of the most important skills you never learned. It is the skill of resolving conflict. You know, as your pastor for over 30 years, as I look back over all of the people, individuals, and couples that I’ve counseled over the years, without a doubt, the number one thing I’ve spent much of my life doing is helping people negotiate conflict. Conflict at work, conflict with your spouse, conflict with your kids, conflict with a boyfriend or girlfriend, conflict in the community. Because the world is broken, there is conflict everywhere.
National conflicts we know what’s going on in Syria, Egypt, other places around the world. Political conflicts that leave the nation in a mess. Economic conflicts, relational conflicts, sexual conflicts. There’s conflict in every area and every segment of society. So one of the most important skills you have to learn is how to resolve conflict. It is essential to your happiness. If you don’t know how to resolve conflict, you walk around carrying conflict most of your life, which leaves you miserable. If you’re carrying conflict and you don’t know how to deal with it, that relative, that in-law, that friend, that boss, then you don’t know how to be happy. Because it just sucks the life right out of you. You can have all those things, but if your relationships are a mess, you’re not very happy.
Now, your parents sure didn’t teach you conflict resolution because they didn’t know how to do it. And when you went to school, grade school, junior high, high school, you didn’t get a single class on conflict management, although it is one of the number one skills you gotta learn in life. And when you went to college, you didn’t have a course on conflict management. So today, it’s not too late, I’m going to teach you the seven biblical steps of how to resolve conflict. If you will practice these, you will find the stress in your life going down dramatically. And you will find the joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction going up significantly. These are the steps you have to learn.
Now, I hope you’re not in conflict right now. I mean, really, as your pastor, my prayer is that things are going pretty good for you right now. But you’re gonna need this someday. So of all weekends, this is the day to take notes. Because one day, you’re gonna go, «Where are those notes? What did Pastor Rick say about how do you resolve a conflict with so and so»? You’re gonna need this. It’s not my opinion, it’s what God says to do. Now, the thing that I love about the Bible is it’s just so honest. And God recognizes that we’re gonna have conflict in our lives because the world is broken. In Romans chapter 12, verses 17 and 18, it says this, «Never pay back evil for evil to anyone».
In other words, people push your buttons, don’t push their buttons back. People attack you, you don’t attack back. «As much as possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone». Now I am so glad that God just didn’t leave out the first two parts and just say «live in peace with everyone». God gives you two caveats. He says, «As much as possible, as far as it depends on you». What is God saying here? God says, «I recognize that some people you can’t live at peace with». They are called crazy-makers. And really it’s not your fault, and no matter how you try to appease, please, cajole, support, whatever, they are just at a well that cannot be filled up. Their emotional needs are so great, no matter what you do, you can’t please them. Ever met anybody like that?
Yeah, don’t look at them, okay, be cool. But you’ve met people like that who no matter what you do, they are just unpleasable. And even God recognizes that some people you just can’t live at peace with. You don’t want conflict, you don’t want war, you don’t want arguments. But it happens, «As much as possible,» sometimes it’s not possible. «As far as it depends on you,» you can’t control somebody else’s reaction. So he says all you can control is you. «As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone».
Now why does God want us to live at peace with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating reactions in your life, these are damaging results. Write them down, I’m not gonna spend a lot of time on this because I want to look at the cure more than the cause. But the damage that unresolved conflict does is three things: number one, it blocks my fellowship with God. When I’m out of whack with you, I can’t be in harmony with God. When I’m distracted, when I’m in conflict with other people, I cannot have a clear connection to God. Did you know that? The Bible says this over and over and over. 1 John, chapter 4, it says, «The person who says 'I love God' and hates his neighbor is a liar». It’s real clear. In fact, the Bible says, «You cannot love God and not love your neighbor as yourself». You cannot be in harmony with God and out of harmony with the people in your life, it’s impossible. The Bible says, «Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself».
So every time I get in conflict with somebody, guess what? My fellowship with God is blocked. That’s reason enough to learn conflict management, because I don’t want you, a crazy-maker, keeping me from having a relationship with God. The Bible says this over and over. It blocks my fellowship with God. Number two, it hinders my prayers. It prevents answered prayer, did you know that? Over and over again in Scripture, the Bible says that when I have conflict and when there’s sin, and when there’s disharmony in my life, it blocks my prayers, it hinders my prayers. Let’s just get real specific.
Over in the book of 1 Peter, you know what it says? It says, «Husbands, treat your wife with respect». Treat your wife with respect, and deal with her with intelligence, with wisdom, with knowledge, with understanding. Be sympathetic with her. 'Cause if you don’t do that, you can forget about praying. It says clearly that «Your prayers will not be hindered». That’s what 1 Peter 5 says. You mean, wait a minute, when I’m in a conflict with with my wife, and I’m out of whack with her, then God isn’t hearing my prayers?
That’s exactly what the Bible says. That’s exactly what the Bible says. So I can’t have… as many of us have done, have an argument in the car coming to church and come inside, go, «Praise the Lord». God says, «Uh-uh, that ain’t happening. No way. You’re out of whack with your wife, you’re out of whack with me. You’re in disharmony and conflict with other people»? God says, «Then you’re in disharmony and conflict with me,» because God is love.
Number three, it hinders my happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict at the same time. It just, when conflict comes in the front door, happiness goes out the back door in your life. So, let’s look today, I’m gonna teach you the seven biblical steps to resolving conflict. Now, the first one’s gonna take the majority of the message. So don’t get freaked out when this one takes a long time and you go, «We got six more points to cover. We’re gonna be here till 3 o’clock». We’re not, but the first one is the most important one, and then all of the other six after are what you do in that meeting with the person you’re trying to resolve conflict. Write this down because you’re gonna need it someday. If you’re a parent, teach it to your children. It’ll save them a lot of heartache.
Okay, number one, the first step in resolving conflict (a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a spouse, a boss) number one, take the initiative. That’s the starting point. You take the initiative. You don’t wait for them to come to you, you go to them. You be the peacemaker. Now, he’s saying, don’t ignore the conflict, don’t deny the conflict, don’t push the conflict under the carpet, don’t pretend that the conflict doesn’t exist in your marriage. «What pink elephant in our living room? I don’t see any pink elephant in our living room».
Let me ask you, what are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? Sex, money, trust, in-laws, family, children, communication, values, work schedule? What are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? The Bible says, «You take the initiative». Now, friends, When I first married Kay, I was terrible at this, terrible at this. There was a player in the movie, and in the play, and in the book, «Oliver Twist,» and his name is the Artful Dodger. That was me; that position was based on me. I knew how… Kay would come at me with an issue and I’d dodge it, and I was pretty artful at it. And she’d get another issue and I’d dodge it. I was not gonna get drawn into conflict. And she would do everything she could to get me to work on situations and I would just dodge it. But conflict is never resolved accidentally.
Have you ever heard the expression «Time heals everything»? That’s a bunch of baloney. Time heals nothing. I mean, if time healed everything, you could go to the doctor and just sit in the waiting room and you’d be healed. Okay, you wouldn’t even need to see the doctor. You just, time heals everything. Actually time makes things worse. When you got an open wound, you don’t deal with it, it festers. It can turn into gangrene, it can take your arm, it could take your life. Time heals nothing. Actually, problems get worse when you ignore them. And what is anger turns to resentment, and what is resentment turns to bitterness, and we’ve all met elderly people (70, 80, 90 years old) who’ve turned into very bitter people because they never dealt with a conflict 50 years earlier, and they missed 50 years of happiness. That’s dumb, that’s just dumb.
So, take the initiative. The conflict is not gonna resolve itself. You got to intentionally deal with it. Now I want you to write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. I’m sorry, but the only way to resolve it is to face it. We don’t like that, and in order to face it, you’re gonna have to deal with three different things: you’re gonna have to deal with your fears of conflict, you’re gonna have to deal with how to set up the meeting, and you’re gonna have to deal with what to do in the meeting. And I’m gonna teach you, Pastor Tom’s gonna help me today, all three of these things.
Now, the first thing, if you got any conflict in your life with somebody at work, and you talk to everybody but them about the problem, that’s the problem, is you talk to everybody else about the problem except the person who is the problem. And the thing you’re gonna have to deal with first of all, is your fear of conflict. People say, «I don’t wanna do conflict. I don’t wanna deal with conflict. I’m scared». Well, welcome to the human race. Nobody likes conflict, except crazy-makers. They like it; if you like conflict, you’re a crazy-maker. Nobody really likes conflict, but we have to do it. And so we’re afraid of it. Congratulations, you’re normal.
I have seen grown men fumble this issue. I’ve seen guys, Marines, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, who have faced incredibly dangerous situations, and not afraid to lay it on the line, have enormous courage on the battlefield, melt and turn into a pool of jello with one phrase from their wife, «We need to talk, honey». There is no phrase that puts the fear of God into the men more than that phrase. «We need to talk, honey». Oh no, just kill me right now. Give me a knife, you know. Now, the fear of conflict is as old as Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve messed up. They blew it in the Garden of Eden, and their relationship with God was broken. And then it broke their relationship with each other. And so they go out, and they’re hiding after they have sinned, and they don’t wanna get near God 'cause they don’t wanna face the reality of the conflict.
And Adam, in Genesis chapter 3, verse 10, says this, «Adam said to God, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and so I hid.'» When he’s talking about naked, he said, «I was exposed, I was vulnerable, you could see everything about me, and I was afraid, so I hid». And men have been hiding from God ever since. And men and women have been hiding from each other, we hide and hurl. First thing they did is they covered up, why? Because when there’s conflict, you wanna cover up. You see, the fear of conflict is really the fear of being exposed, the fear of your emotions. It’s the fear of being vulnerable, and when I have the fear of dealing with emotions, then this fear creates three problems in my relationship.
It makes me defensive, it makes me distant, and it makes me demanding. It makes me defensive, I want to hide, when we’re in conflict, I wanna hide, I want to withdraw, I want to isolate, I wanna pull back, I don’t wanna be close to you. That ruins the relationship, it makes me defensive. I start defending myself, I start attacking you, I start having all kinds of excuses, «I don’t want to reveal my true self. I wanna cover up 'cause I’m naked, I’m vulnerable, I’m exposed». And I become demanding, I wanna have the last word, I want to control the situation.
You see, it is fear that keeps you from connecting at the deepest level with those you love the most. Most people have never had deep-soul intimacy with another person. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about something deeper than that, soul-to-soul intimacy. And the reason why is fear, you don’t really fear conflict, you fear the emotions of it. And you fear rejection, and you fear being misunderstood, and you fear that what you say will be used against you, so you don’t want to be vulnerable. That’s what you fear.
There was a book that came out many, many years ago called «Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am»? Great question, and the answer to that question is, the reason I’m afraid to tell you who I really am is because I’m all I’ve got. And if I tell you what I really am and I reveal my true self, including the downside, including the weaknesses, you may not like me, and I’m all I’ve got. And the reason I’m afraid to tell you who I am, and I wear a mask, and I pretend, and I ignore conflict, and all of those things, is because I’m afraid that you might not accept me. And if you don’t like who I am, and I’m all I’ve got, then I’m up a creek without a paddle.
So I’m just gonna wear a mask, thank you very much. Where do you find the courage to take this first step? Because that’s what you need. Only courageous people resolve conflict, only. Cowards never resolve conflict, they walk away from it. Where do you find the courage to face it? You get it from God. The Bible says, here on the screen, 2 Timothy 1:7, «God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a Spirit of power, and love, and self-discipline»! That means if I let God’s Spirit fill my life, I’m gonna be filled not with fear and timidity, but I’m gonna be filled with power and with love and with self-discipline. Now, that middle one, love, is the important one because love overcomes fear.
The Bible says, «Perfect love casts out all fear». When you’re watching the nightly news, and you see somebody run into a burning building, you go, «How in the world do they have the courage to do that»? A few minutes later, they come running out with a baby, or a little child, or a pet. What caused them to overcome their fear of dying? The love for that person or pet. When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll do things you’re afraid to do, that’s called courage. And when you are filled with God’s love, the Bible says «God is love,» when you’re filled with God’s Spirit, and God’s Spirit is love, when God’s Spirit fills you, and you’re filled with love for that person who’s irritating you or that person you’re in conflict with, then you’re gonna have the courage to move ahead.
So you need to pray, «God, I’m scared to death, fill me with your love». You already know who you need to deal with right now. I’m already talking about it and you already know in your mind, «I haven’t reconciled with that person, I’m out of sorts with that person, I haven’t dealt with this issue». You need to say, «God, fill me with your love, give me that courage that comes from love». You pray about it. What I’m saying is, you talk to God before you talk to them. And you certainly talk to them before you talk to anybody else. You talk to anybody else about something you got a problem with, that’s called gossip. Now, the first thing you have to do is deal with your fear, or you’re never gonna take the initiative. The second thing you’re gonna have to deal with is you’re gonna have to deal with the timing. Timing is everything in conflict resolution. You gotta do it at the right time.
Now you say, «Okay, fine. When they’re ready and they come to me, I’ll deal with it». No, that’s a cop out. You take the initiative. Would you write this down? «It’s always my move. It’s always my move in conflict management, conflict resolution». God expects you to take the first step, that’s called being a peacemaker. Now Jesus talks about this in the Sermon on the Mount. And in Matthew chapter 5, verse 22 and 23, he teaches this principle of take the initiative. It’s the first key to conflict management. He says, in Matthew 5:23, «If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple,» now what’s he talking about here? You’re at worship. It’s what you’re doing right now.
«If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple,» okay, «if you go to a church to go to worship, and you’re giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember that somebody has something against you,» notice, it’s not, «you got a problem,» it’s, «they got a problem with you». So either way, you take the initiative. «You remember that somebody has something against you, you leave your offering, leave your offering there beside the altar. Go at once,» circle at once, «go at once and first be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to God».
You know what he’s saying here? God says, «Reconciliation takes priority over worship». Wow, some of you shouldn’t be here. Reconciliation takes priority over worship. He says, «You know, you like to worship, you like to come and sing, you like to hear God’s Word, you like to learn the principles of life»? Good. But he says there’s something more important than that, reconciliation. And he says, «If you come to worship and you got something out of whack with somebody else, you need to go get that right first and come back». He says, «Leave your gift at the altar, go at once, be reconciled, then come and offer your gift to God».
Now, at the end of this service, when we have a closing song and we give our offerings, those of you in the bleachers who get up and leave early, we’ll know what you’re doing. We’ll know you’re out of whack with somebody, and you need to leave right now. And so don’t be embarrassed, we’ll know why you’re leaving. Okay, we know you’re leaving early because there’s something you need to go get right, but notice it says, «Leave your gift». Okay, so you don’t get out of the offering part, okay, all right? It says, «Leave your gift, go get it right, then come back and worship». Now what is Jesus doing here? He’s saying, «Don’t ignore it, it doesn’t matter if you’re the offended or you’re the offender, you need to take the initiative». It’s always your move. When, at once, as soon as possible, you don’t delay, you don’t postpone. Some of you’ve been putting off this for weeks, months, or maybe years.
Okay, step number two… or the third thing you have to do, before, sorry, this is still initiate, you gotta plan a sit-down meeting. Okay, this is in taking the initiative. And let me give you some suggestions. I didn’t give you a lot of room on your outlines, so just write these down. I’m gonna give you four suggestions on how to set up a meeting with somebody you’re in conflict with. Okay, here’s what you do, four things you do in setting up the meeting.
Number one, I’ve already mentioned this, choose the right time. Choose the right time. Timing is everything. When is the best time to have a meeting to resolve a conflict? The best time is when you’re both at your best. That’s when you do it, when you’re both at your best. You may be ready, but they may not be ready to receive it. You’ve been thinking about this, you’re ready to talk about, they may not be ready to talk about it. So you don’t pull it on, you don’t drop a bomb on, by the way, never drop a bomb in bed. You’re gonna get an explosion. I mean, you know, you’ve been thinking about this all day, while, as your husband comes home, just as he puts his head on the thing, you say, «Honey, we need to talk».
And you start in the first point, he’s going, and then you explode. «Never drop a bomb in bed,» somebody ought to tweet that. Choose the right time when you’re both at your best, okay? Number two, right place, you choose the right place. You don’t just do it anywhere, you figure out where’s a good place and a good time to do this, where we can be relaxed, where it’s quiet, where we won’t be bothered, where maybe the kids are asleep, or they’re away, or whatever, where we can talk frankly and honestly, where there’s an emotion can come out? You choose the right place, where you can’t be interrupted. Number three, pray before meeting, very important. And you say, «God, I’m scared to do this, but I need to be filled with your love, and I need you to help me do this right».