Kerry Shook - Overcoming Shame
Well, it all started with Discovery Channel's "Shark Week". But now there are shark shows on just about every channel. From "Shark Behavior" to "Shark Attacks," and that's the ones I like. I like to watch the "Shark Attack" shows. How about you? Any of you guys like to watch the "Shark Attack" shows? Yeah. Yes, because it's one of my life goals to not get eaten by a shark, if at all possible. So I like to watch those shows and take some notes. And I'm gonna share with you some of the great wisdom that I have gleaned from these shark shows.
I'm gonna share with you the top five ways to avoid getting eaten by a shark, all right. You might wanna write these down, they're powerful and very deep spiritually. Number five, follow the buddy system when swimming in the ocean, but make sure your buddy is a slow swimmer. You don't have to out swim the shark, you just have to out swim your buddy. But I believe in the buddy system.
Number four, if you don't have a buddy, swim with a pet seal. This reminds the shark that a human being looks absolutely nothing like a seal, which apparently the shark has trouble with. Because have you noticed on all those shark shows, it's never the shark's fault, it was always the human. You know the human looked too much like a seal or that surfboard looked too much like a seal and the water was murky and the shark couldn't help it, and oh, the one I love the most is the exploratory bite.
Well, the shark really didn't want to eat that person, it just thought the person was a seal, and it took an exploratory bite, realized that it wasn't its natural prey, a seal or a sea turtle, and then it swam away. So it really didn't mean to attack that person, unfortunately, the exploratory bite was one that bit the person's head off, but the shark was harmless. Don't worry about it. You see, I truly believe we have to hold sharks accountable these days. We live in a culture where we don't hold our sharks accountable. I'm just kidding about that. Don't write me letters, you animal lovers out there. I know they're endangered, I love sharks, I just don't wanna be eaten by one.
Well, let me give you the third thing that you need to do to avoid a shark attack. When staying at a beachfront hotel, never swim in the pool. Great white sharks breach, because they're trying to get a look at tourists swimming in the hotel pool. They're checking you out, they're casing you.
And the number two, way to avoid a shark attack, never be featured on a shark week special in Prime Time, unless you're a narrator or a marine biologist who's an expert, on why sharks attack, otherwise you're probably a shark attack victim, 'cause there's no other reason for you to be on the show.
And the number one way to avoid a shark attack, is if you ever get caught in a tornado, make sure you have a chainsaw just in case it's a Sharknado. And some of you know what I'm talking about there. Hey, this weekend we're concluding this series we've been in on diving deeper in our relationship with God and the people in our lives. And today we're gonna look at a shark that will keep you in the shallows in your relationships. We're gonna look at a shark that is devastating because it causes distance in our closest relationships, and it's the shark of shame. The shark of shame is a devastating tool that the enemy uses to attack and eat away at our very soul. The shark of shame is particularly devastating in the marriage relationship. The shame shark attacked the first marriage, and it continues to attack every marriage and every relationship since, and unfortunately with great success.
So I want you to open your Bibles to Genesis chapter 2. Would you stand in honor of God's Word? And I have two key verses for you today. First is Genesis 2:25. It says, "Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame". And so this was in the perfect paradise, the Garden of Eden. This was before sin entered the world and this is describing more than their physical condition. It is saying that, emotionally they were naked and had no shame. It's saying that they were fully known and fully loved, and you can only be loved to the extent you're known, you can only be fully loved if you're fully known.
And so they were fully known with nothing to hide, holding nothing back, and yet they were fully loved by God and each other. In this trust relationship where there was no shame, but then they disobeyed God, sin entered the world and the shark of shame started circling their marriage. In Genesis 3:7 it says, "Then the eyes of both of them were open and they realized they were naked, so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' He answered, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.'"
You can be seated. If you really wanna know what to do if a shark attacks you, God forbid. All the experts say, if a shark attacks you, you got to punch the shark in the face. You got to poke it in its eyes because it's not used to its prey fighting back, and usually the shark will leave you alone. It's the same with shame. You see, when we feel that painful feeling of shame, we wanna run away from shame. We wanna get out of the light and back into the dark and hide, but when you run from shame, you run from grace and the shame just grows and grows in the dark and becomes a vicious cycle.
And in a moment, Dr. Paul's gonna come out here, he is one of our great pastors here at Woodlands Church. He's also a psychiatrist and a medical doctor and has great insight, leads our counseling ministry, he leads our restoration ministry. But we're gonna talk about this shark of shame, and Dr. Paul says that, just about everyone he counsels is dealing with the shark of shame. Almost every marriage relationship, close relationship, dealing with the shark of shame and it creates so much disconnection in our relationships.
So we're gonna deal with it head on, that's the only way. When several years ago when Chris and I were on vacation, she talked me into doing a shark dive. And what we did basically, is you just go down about 60 feet in the water and you, we were four or five other people and a dive master, and you just get on your knees, the bottom of the ocean there, and then the sharks start coming and they start swimming around you and circling you, and they're like six to eight foot blacktip reef sharks that would eat you if you're just floating in the ocean. But they know the dive master who comes there every day is gonna feed them fish and stuff they like a little better than humans, and so they're excited about it and they're ready because they're gonna be fed.
And when I was hearing about all this, as the dive master was telling us about all this, "Keep your hands really close to you. You don't want them to think that's a fish, they'll bite it right off". You know and I thought, "This is really dumb". But I've done a lot of dumb things in my life. And sometimes it's Chris encouraging it because she loves adventure, and my life would be really boring without her, and so we did the shark dive. Now after we finished, she said, "That was really dumb, wasn't it? That was dangerous". And I go, "Yeah, that's what I was thinking".
You know, and but we had a great story to tell after that, because these sharks would just bump up against you racing to get that food and it was a feeding frenzy, and they're just these huge sharks just everywhere knocking up against you, and getting their food and I'm just saying "This is crazy". But they knew they were gonna be fed and it created more and more sharks coming each and every day. They were used to being fed, and when we feed the shark of shame, more and more sharks gather.
They get used to that and instead of really facing shame and walking into an experiencing grace, usually we feed shame, we do a lot of things that feed shame, and we have this deep desire to have connection. The Bible calls it fellowship. Love and being loved at the deepest level. We have this deep desire to be loved, but you can only be loved to the extent you're known, and we're afraid if you really know the good, bad, and ugly about me, you won't love me. And we have this shame that keeps us from deep and close relationships and we feed the shame, doing all these things that we think are gonna help, but they just make it worse.
Kerry Shock: Let's talk about Adam and Eve. As I opened up, they dealt with shame, they're in this perfect place, no shame and then shame entered.
Dr. Paul: Yes, so in the perfection of the garden of Eden, which means pleasure, in that perfect place, they felt safe. There was such trust between them and God and between Adam and Eve that they did not encounter the gap the way that we do. They could always count on each other for affection, attention, affirmation, for mercy and grace. That trust held them in a safe place. And anytime we experience trust and relationship, it frees us to be vulnerable. However, there's an enemy to trust. And in the garden, that enemy showed up in the form of a serpent, who introduced doubt. He whispered in Eve's ear, "God is not holding you, he's holding out on you". Even though she was in a beautiful place with lots of provision, he encouraged her to focus not on what was present, but what was missing. He says, "Oh, what you really want is that tree over there, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil". Because he said, "That's what's gonna make you like God". And so her desire to connect with God was replaced for a desire to be God. And that's when she was tempted to take control, to try to control that feeling of being on the outside looking in, she wanted to be in the know. And that gets us into trouble whenever we try to control shame, try to fix our problem. We take matters into our own hands like she did when she took the fruit, and then handed it off to Adam.
Kerry Shock: So I don't like to feel shame, it's a painful, powerful feeling and what we do is usually try to control it, you're saying?
Dr. Paul: Yeah. So yeah, because shame, as you said earlier, is the most powerful negative emotion. At the heart of shame, that a in the middle is alienation. It's essence, shame makes us feel disconnected, alienated, and isolated.
Kerry Shock: Yeah, and then we start doing some things that just make it even worse, right? Cause we're trying to control, trying to get back to the Garden of Eden, I guess.
Dr. Paul: Yeah exactly, so at a certain point, and I remember clearly in my own life, when I determined I am not gonna risk rejection again. And so I began to do things to keep myself from feeling that painful emotion. And in the Garden story, I believe if we look at it deeply, we'll see four maneuvers that Adam and Eve made in response to their shame. And I believe if we look deeply into our own story, we'll see that we all do those four things probably every day.
Kerry Shock: No doubt, and I know the first one and that's cover up.
Dr. Paul: Exactly, so the first thing they did, we read it earlier, is they got busy. They sewed fig leaves together to cover up the parts of their body that God had given them to bring them together. Now they felt they had to hide out, cover up those parts because they no longer felt trust, they no longer felt safe. And what happens when we feel shame is that we suspect that if we are fully seen, we will be rejected. And so we begin to cover up. There are all kinds of maneuvers that we use, physically covering up with clothing, or makeup, but we can compensate for our shame by covering up with, working out or doing performing being people pleaser. In my own life, I was a shrimp of a kid, and so I compensated by throwing myself into academics and art, trying to reassure myself that I have value and trying to present a facade or a picture of myself that I thought people would accept and affirm.
Kerry Shock: And then that, when you do that, you know the cover-up keeps you from really being known, doesn't it?
Dr. Paul: Yeah, well like you've said in your messages, the only way to fully receive love is to be fully seen and fully known. The sad thing is, the more successful you are at producing a facade, the more you keep yourself trapped in that place where you may be grateful for the connection, but always fearful, always with the doubt that "If Kerry knew me like I really am, he wouldn't like me either".
Kerry Shock: Right. Now, what's the difference between guilt and shame? Because I know that God uses guilt and conviction to get us to, you know turn back to him.
Dr. Paul: Exactly. Well guilt if it's Godly guilt, it motivates us to repent of something we've done and to confess. It's about our behavior. When we have sinned and done something hurtful or unhelpful, hateful, guilt activates our conscience and allows us to turn to confess and to make amends for what we've done. But shame strikes at the core of who we are. It's not really about what we've done, it's about our identity and who we are, and it's that feeling that I am not enough.
Kerry Shock: Yeah, that I'm not enough, I don't have what it takes. Many women, it's like, I'm not beautiful, I'm not valuable, and men, I don't have what it takes to get the job done. You know, I don't really measure up, but people really knew. You know, and so then we cover up. And what else do we do?
Dr. Paul: Sure, well if cover-up starts to break down or we're afraid of being exposed, a lot of times we will exit the relationship. We'll withdraw, we'll hide out. That's exactly what Adam and Eve did as their second maneuver. The Bible says, "They hid from God's presence in the trees of the garden". Now if you think about it, the trees were something good. God had given them for shade, for protection and for provision of fruit, but they turned to the trees for a different reason. They turned to the trees as a place to withdraw and hide. So many of us turn to something that God has given us for good and use it for bad. So that's when we turn to binging on Netflix, or going to the shop, or opening the fridge, or opening the liquor cabinet. We go places when we withdraw that numb us and make us feel momentary relief from the feeling of isolation, loneliness and disconnection. And those things work for a time. But then we're stuck, not just with the shame we were trying to avoid, but usually with more shame because our efforts to withdraw and control our pain, often make us feel less worthy. They re-reestablish a sense of shame, because we've spent money we don't have or shouldn't spend, we've spent time, we've missed out on things by withdrawing. So really, you know when we cover up, we're gonna move into withdrawing and that's where all the addictions take place.
Kerry Shock: Thankfully though, when it comes to addiction, a lot of times we will get called out. We'll be called of our hiding, called out of the shadows, as it were. And that's what God does in the scripture for Adam. He shows up and he says, "Adam, where are you"? And God will invite all of us at certain key moments to take a look, "Where are you? Where are you investing? Where are you hiding? Where are you covering up"? And he's inviting us to step out of the shadows into the light. Adam's response was, "I was naked, I was afraid, so I hid". God again, calls him out. He says, "Who told you, you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree"? So he wants to shift Adam's attention from his shame to his guilt, from his nakedness to his behavior. But shame is so powerful, it often keeps us stuck in it. And so Adam rather than owning up to what he had done, he uses the third strategy to avoid shame, and that is to blame. He immediately says, "Well, this woman you gave me". He points at Eve and then he points at God himself and says, "Hey, it's their fault, your fault, her fault". And we do that all the time. When my wife approaches me to call me out about something I've done that's been hurtful or neglectful, my knee-jerk response is to say, "Well, I didn't even know you wanted that". Or "You took it the wrong way". Or like, "What do you expect of me"? You know, like... "I didn't mean it that way, I did so you shouldn't be hurt".
Dr. Paul: Yeah, you're just too sensitive. And we do that, when we feel that we're being called out. And that unfortunately, like our other maneuvers creates more alienation and more shame.
Kerry Shock: We start looking for the good guy and the bad guy, and we've got to be the good guy. So there's got to be a bad guy that's causing me to do this.
Dr. Paul: Exactly, and again, if we're talking about alienation and disconnection, all of our maneuvers end up causing them very disconnection that drives more shame.
Kerry Shock: Wow. And then there's a fourth one, and it can be the most devastating.
Dr. Paul: Well, I think you're right. Devastating, because it can be so difficult to uncover and dismantle. So when God turns to Eve and says, "What have you done"? Again, he's inviting her to take responsibility for her action. But Eve sidesteps responsibility, by taking the fourth maneuver which I call justifying, excusing, rationalizing, and we all do it. "Well, I wouldn't have called her that if she wasn't acting that way". Or, you know, "I wouldn't have said that if you hadn't said this". Or like, "Well, I didn't grow up that way". Or "What do you expect, I don't have time". We are so quick to rationalize and excuse ourselves from responsibility. Because again, we don't wanna feel like we are bad.
Kerry Shock: So what is the answer? How do we overcome shame? How do we punch the shark?
Dr. Paul: Cool. Well, obviously, we cannot make ourselves all we want to be. We cannot move that line of the real up to the ideal. No matter how hard we try, we are powerless and we need God to fix the problem for us. Well, the remedy for our shame, really is to show up in our weakness, in our brokenness, and ask for grace. We need acceptance, not in our strength, but in our weakness. And that day in the garden, we see God show up in a powerful way to show grace and mercy to Adam and Eve. He did it in a very powerful way. First of all, he didn't kill them on the spot, which they deserved, but secondly, he made a provision to cover their shame because he knew they could not do it on their own.
Kerry Shock: Tell us more about how God takes away our shame, because that was really a foreshadowing of the cross. When the animals were sacrificed, we have the ultimate sacrifice.
Dr. Paul: Totally, that sacrifice in the garden was a foreshadowing of the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. And when Jesus took on our skin by coming to the earth, he took on our flesh and blood, our skin, so that we could then be covered by his skin. Not skins of animals, but the skin of Jesus. We walk in his skin, in his righteousness. If we are willing to come just as we are, no entitlement, no pretense. In our brokenness and our badness, we come to God and ask for mercy, that's when we find grace through the cross.
Kerry Shock: It's all about the cross and looking to Jesus.
Dr. Paul: So the cross is really the place of shame. We believe that Jesus was hung naked on the cross. He was spit on, he was reviled, he was cursed, and yet he took it. He allowed himself to be nailed up there, his hands were nailed so he could not cover up, he could not point his finger and blame. He let his feet be nailed so he could not withdraw or run away. And when he stood before Pilate and was condemned, he did not justify himself, he did not defend himself. He simply remained in that place of shame, knowing that on the other side was freedom, was joy. Hebrews says that, "Jesus for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and he was sat down at the right hand of God". We are called to do the same thing. We're called to take up our cross day by day, to despise the shame. In the analogy we're called to beat the shame away by shaming the shame, by despising it.
Kerry Shock: So good. I know God showed you a verse the other day that I love just really spoke to me.
Dr. Paul: Well, it was in my quiet time and I felt like God said to me, "Let me show you something about shame". And I'm like, "Sign me up for that". The verse that he brought to my attention was in Psalm chapter 34, and it's at verse 5. It says this, "Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame". When I look at myself Kerry, I can see my inadequacies in blazing color, and when I look at myself, I can feel very broken, very defective, and inadequate. It can be a pretty dark moment. But when I turn my attention from myself to my Savior, when I look to Jesus, when I look to the Lord, it's like the moon turning toward the sun and lighting up.