Kerry Shook - Deep Connection
The deeper you dive into the ocean, the more light you need to be able to see anything, because light is diffused and as you go into the ocean, that light that is diffused can't break through and it gets darker and darker, you don't have to go down very far until it's completely dark. And so all of those explorers use the robotic submersibles, have all these high powered floodlights on the submersible, so that they can see and explore and discover, and it's the same with fellowship. The deeper you go in a relationship, the more light you need.
The more light and truth has to be shed on the issues that you're facing, on the dysfunction that you have in your relationship. The more light has to be shed on your faults, and your mistakes, and sins, and your true feelings. You have to walk in the light. And Jesus said, that's the only way, God is light. You see, the reason that God can love us completely is 'cause he knows us completely, the good, bad, and the ugly. We try to hide from God, but we can't hide anything from God, he knows everything about you, and yet he loves you perfectly. And God wants you to be in fellowship with him. He wants you to love him back. He doesn't want you to try to hide from him, he wants you just to put it all into light because when we walk into the light, we experience healing.
It's the light and warmth of his healing, but at first, it's uncomfortable, we walk into the light with our sins and struggles and our mess and brokenness, and we wanna step back into the darkness and hide because of shame. And we're gonna talk about the shark of shame next weekend. But God wants you also to live in the light with the people you're closest to the people around you. He wants you to be in fellowship, whether it's in a marriage, he wants you to walk in the light, and in that truth where you feel exposed at first and vulnerable, but yet it gives you the potential to go to that deepest place, to be completely known and completely loved. God wants us to live in fellowship, but the deeper we go, the more light we need.
And by the way, our greatest need is deep and lasting connection. Most people don't know that, but your greatest need that you're created with is deep and lasting connection. You were created for a deep and lasting connection with God, and God wants you to be in a deep and lasting connection with some people in your life. That's what the church is all about. It's fellowship, it's being connected to each other. Knowing that we don't have it all together, you don't have to pretend like you're not struggling here at Woodlands Church, you don't have to pretend like you've got everything together, you can just admit what's going on in your life. Nobody's perfect, we're all broken, but we're looking to the perfect one who brings healing.
And so we can walk in the light with our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ, and we can walk in the light. For those of you who are married, you walk in the light in your marriage and you walk in the light with a friendship, but it's risky when you walk in the light, but it's the only way to really experience a deeper level of fellowship. You were made for deep and lasting relationships and connections. God put that in your heart, but we get distracted from the deep. We get distracted by all the activity in the shallow. Our culture today, our overcrowded, chaotic, multitasking, busy culture today, works against deep relationships. Because it lies to us and says that we can have it all, we can do it all.
And we just need a little quality time in our relationships and everything will work out perfectly. If we're meant to be in a relationship, everything will just work out, doesn't work that way. In the marriage relationship, you can't spend five minutes a day on average talking together and expect to go deep. You won't get beneath the shallows. It just no way... you can't skim on relationships. But our culture says, "You can do that, it's no big deal. You can do a thousand different things". No, relationships just take time and, so, many of you are feeling like your soul is drying up. You're feeling an emptiness on the inside that there's got to be something more, but you're not making any time for close and deep relationships. You're not committed to a church family, you're not committed in a life group, you're not committed to a few close friends, and in your marriage relationship, you're not working on it.
And so, we have to understand that our greatest need is for deep and lasting connection, but our greatest fear is losing connection. Our greatest fear is losing connection. Since our greatest need is for connection, when we feel like we're starting to lose connection and getting distance between someone we love and really care about, then a primal fear sort of kicks in, and we can do all kinds of dysfunctional things that really hurt the relationship and push it further apart, when we're feeling like we're losing connection because we have this fear of losing connection, because we're made for connection. And when we start to lose connection with someone close to us, then we start doing all these things that just come out of emotions.
All these things that are dysfunctional a lot of times, and sometimes they even destroy the relationship, but it's 'cause we care so much. After our grandson, Jude Samuel, went to be with the Lord, one of the many things that Chris and I did to really honor Jude and help us just remember all the lessons that he taught us and thank God for him, is we planted a tree in our backyard, that we called Jude's tree. And we planted a beautiful red maple tree, and right after we planted the arborist said, "Well, you got to water this a lot because it's really hot right now and so you got to water it every day for a while and really take care of this tree".
And I thought, "Well definitely, because that tree is so important to me, it's Jude's tree and I care so deeply". So every day I would water that tree, if I forgot everything else, I would water that tree. And there were times when I got in bed at night after a long day and I remembered I haven't watered Jude's tree. And I'd go back out there in the middle of the night and I would water Jude's tree. I just constantly, you know, gonna water that tree because I cared so deeply and didn't want that tree to die. I mean, ugh, I've got to just keep this going and keep this thing growing and alive and I'm not gonna forget. I'll forget everything else, I'm not gonna forget that.
And then after a few months, the tree started to die and I couldn't believe it. And I called the arborist out, he looked at it for about five minutes and he said, "This tree has been overwatered, the roots have drowned". I was like, "Oh, you're kidding". You see now we have another tree, Jude's tree that's not overwatered. I learned more and yes, make sure it's watered, but it's not overwatered. It's watered just right because you see, when you really care about something, you really care about a relationship. It's really important to you, you really love someone. You really wanna make sure it's thriving and sometimes when you start losing connection, out of fear, you start doing things that are destructive. You got good intentions, but it's really destroying the relationship. You start watering it your way and trying to fix it, make sure it's right, and it ends up sinking the relationship.
I wanted to share with you five brief simple, but not simplistic, simple, but deep truths that are gonna change everything. First, remember the real issue is fear of losing connection. This is so important. It's the fear of losing connection. And 1 John 4:18, it says, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear". And so we don't have perfect love in our flesh, we have fears, and sometimes, you know our flesh just triggers these fears because our relationship is so important, we care so much and we have this deep fear of losing connection, because we were created for connection. And when that fear rises up, a lot of times we do dysfunctional things that hurt the relationship. And God's love can cover all those fears, but we have to recognize the fear.
And James 4:1 says, "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves". See, deep down we have this fear of losing connection and so we fight for it, but we do it in all these selfish ways, all these unproductive ways that hurt the relationship. In marriage and in family's conflict is a good thing, if it's constructive conflict. For it to be constructive conflict, to take you deeper, you have to remember that your greatest fear is losing connection and that's the root issue, and you fight for connection.
If you don't know that what you're really fighting for is for a connection and a deeper and lasting connection, and you have a fear of losing connection, if you don't know you're fighting for connection, then you will fight to win. You will fight to get your way because you'll think the problem is, if they just changed, if he just talked more, you know, if he just really saw me and what's going on in my life, if he really, that's the problem. Or if she would just change, if she would just get her act together. I mean, if she would just stop demanding so much, if she would just stop. I mean, we start focusing on the surface issues and we instead of fighting for connection, we fight each other.
And we go into fight to win mode. Really, we only have two ways of protecting ourselves and holding onto our connections with those we love, when we feel unsafe and like we're starting to disconnect, the first way is to withdraw. To avoid conflict and conversation about deeper things, to try to numb our emotions, to shut down. To try to deny our connection need, that we need connection because we don't wanna be hurt, so we just kind of shut it down, we bury it deep inside and we're not really in touch with it, we withdraw, we numb our emotions, that's the first way.
The second way is to listen to the fear and the anxiety as it builds up in us and fight for a response, fight for a reaction, fight to be seen, attack the person, attack, so they'll react. And most couples don't even see it all comes out of the fear of losing connection. And that's why you need to know the second thing, recognize the disconnection dance. Because there's a dance that goes on and it goes on with parents, and teenagers, and it goes on with friends, and goes on in the workplace, it goes on in marriage all the time. This disconnection dance that happens and it becomes a spiral and it will distance a relationship. And usually the way it works, is that when you feel like you're losing connection in a close relationship and you start to feel distance, one partner reaches out in a negative way, and the other partner steps back.
One attacks with emotions, the other withdrawals with emotions and protests in that way. And so one attacks trying to get a reaction, the other withdrawal, so the other attacks more and the other withdrawals more, and it becomes this vicious cycle and it's really destructive. Scripture tells us this, all the studies now and all of the psychological studies show that it is so destructive in a relationship, in a marriage relationship especially, when you get stuck in the cycle because you're just on the surface level, dealing with these surface issues when you have an emotional response coming out, because of your fear of losing connection.
Dr. Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sandifer in their book "Created For Connection," says when we get no emotional response from a loved one, we are wired to protest. It's all about trying to get a response because of the fear of losing connection. So one partner will actively protest, they'll demand, they'll criticize, they'll attack, while the other partner passively protests by withdrawing, taking their ball and going home, and to say, "I disagree with that criticism". And it just continues on and on. For those of you who are being attacked, you need to recognize that the person who is attacking cares deeply about you, so much about you that they just can't stand by and watch distance happen.
And so they reach out and what they're saying is, "I love you, you're so important to me, I need you, it scares me that I need you so much. I care about you, I care about this relationship". Well, it sounds like criticism, and it sounds like they're mad at me. They just fear losing your connection because you're so valuable. That's what's happening. And then, for those of you who attack and the other person is withdrawing, it's not because they don't care, they care so much. The person that withdraws, withdraws because they're afraid of losing connection. They feel like I just don't have what it takes to really connect, I must be the problem.
Something's wrong, I don't have what it takes, and if I do something, it's gonna be wrong, it's gonna make it even worse, and so I feel helpless. I don't know what to do, but it scares me, but I'm gonna stuff it down because I can't deal with this emotion, it's just too scary, that's what's going on. They just don't recognize it at the time. But if you can recognize in the marriage relationship, my spouse loves me so much, but they're just doing it wrong. If you can recognize that, it's all coming out of a fear of losing connection, you recognize it about yourself, you recognize it about your spouse, boy, that's the breakthrough and that's where things start. But that's just the start, but it's a huge start, that you realize what's happening.
Chris and I now when we go into this disconnection dance, we recognize it and go, "We're doing it again". We can even smile about it. "We're doing it again". It's because out of fear, you love me and you're afraid of losing connection and I'm doing out of fear of losing connection, because I love you so much and it scares me. And I finally had to come to the place where I realized why I would stuff my emotions is because I love Chris so much, and I can't even imagine being without her, and I care about her so much that it scares me. It scares me, and when I feel that emotion just a little bit of how much I care about her and I feel how much I really need her, then it just feels overwhelming.
And I begin to realize that, but I know I have to express that to her, and God is helping me with breakthroughs so that she can understand a little bit more of how much I love her. And I realize that you can't meet an emotional need with intellectual response, but I think a lot of us guys are kind of trained that we're supposed to be problem solvers and fix this and, but that's not what they need. And so you got to realize the spiral when it happens, and then the third thing, risk admitting what your deepest need is rather than attacking or withdrawing. I've gotta risk admitting my deepest need and stop attacking or withdrawing. You respond to deep emotional need with emotional presence.
In Luke 18:40, Jesus shows us how to do it. There was a blind beggar in Jericho who was yelling out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me"! And the crowd said, "Be quiet, he doesn't care about you. You're a nobody". But here's what Jesus did, "When Jesus heard him, he stopped and ordered that the man be brought to him. As the man came near, Jesus asked him, 'What do you want me to do for you?' 'Lord, he said, I want to see.' And Jesus said, 'All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you.'" And so Jesus who had the weight of the world on his shoulders, he was going to the cross from there to Jerusalem, he stops for this blind beggar that no one cares about, and he comes face to face, he meets an emotional need with this emotional presence, he's right there.
And then he asks, "What do you want me to do for you? What's your greatest need"? And the blind man could have said a hundred different things. "Well, I'm homeless, I need a home. I don't have a job, I need a job. I need food, I need some money". But what did he say, "The greatest need is I want to see". And Jesus healed him right then and there. And this blind beggar was not proud. He admitted, he was vulnerable to admit his deepest need. He wasn't proud, he just wanted to be honest and open and walk in the light and that's why he was healed that day. And we have to admit our deepest need, but our society teaches that we're not supposed to be that needy, especially emotional, emotionally needy. We're not supposed to need emotional connection that much.
To admit our need for connection means we have to risk being vulnerable. To say, "What I really need is for you to hold me. I'm really afraid of losing connection". "You know, I'm really afraid of how much I care about you, and I can't imagine ever losing you and to think about that just it overwhelms me. I need you just to see me right now and to understand what's going on. I need this from you". To admit that you're needy is one of the most spiritual things you'll ever do. The blind beggar admitted it, and he was healed. To admit to God that I'm needy and broken and I can't save myself that's salvation. But when you admit to another person you care about, you need them.
You know, I mean, God uses them in your life and you're connected and you fear losing that connection that takes you to the deepest level. You still got a lot of work to do, but it takes you to the deepest level. But so many couples are trying to solve their problem. "Well, we got a communication problem. We have an in-law problem. Finances are our big problem". And they're all trying to solve their problem, but they don't know their deep problem is emotional connection. They're trying to solve their deepest problem with practical skills. It'll never work, until you go to that deepest level, and you realize it's all about fear of losing connection and it's an emotional need that has to be met with emotional presence.
And then you resist judging and focus on understanding. That's the fourth thing. Resist judging and focus on understanding because it's so easy to judge the other's feelings. I used to all the time when Chris would say, "Well, I just feel like da, da, da". I'd go, "Oh, you're wrong. You shouldn't feel that way because, I didn't mean anything by that. I love you, no problem". That doesn't work. And we judge and we judge our arguments and we think about what we're gonna say in the argument next to prove that they're wrong, and we don't realize why that's destructive. "No, I have to stand up for myself, I have to defend myself, and I have to". No, what you do is you just listen and seek understanding.
And by the way, a feeling is a feeling. You know you say, "Well, that's not a true feeling or a false feeling". Well, feelings aren't true or false, they're just feelings. And if you have a feeling, you need to admit the feeling. "Well, I probably shouldn't feel this way". That's what a lot of Christians do. "I probably shouldn't feel so mad that I hope that guy gets hit by a bus when he walks out to church because he said something mean to me". Well, that's what you feel like. You know, that's not good, but yeah that's how you feel.
So you ought to just admit it. Feelings are feelings, and so you admit your feelings, when you admit your feelings, you express your feelings and you try to understand how they're feeling. And then maybe you can come back and say, "Hey from my perspective though, do you realize this? You know, I feel this way". And you try to understand each other's feelings instead of judging people's feelings. And it's amazing what God can do when it's not about who's the bad guy. It's not about your argument's terrible, and I'm gonna win this argument. You win the argument and lose the relationship, but you want to seek understanding.
Dr. Paul, our psychiatrist pastor at Woodlands Church has taught us so many things. And one of the things he teaches all the time is reflective listening, and is so helpful when, instead of just trying to prove your point in the marriage relationship in the workplace, wherever it may be. Maybe your spouse tells you, "I feel this way and this is what's going on".
And you just repeat exactly what they said back to them, trying to understand, and then you stop for a moment and try to feel what they feel. Not about right or wrong, not about judging and defending yourself, but just say, "That must make you feel really scared, that must make you feel really hurt, that must feel rejecting, that must feel". It's not about, "Hey, I didn't mean that, that way. You got it all wrong, you're not right". It's all about understanding how they feel. And here's a great verse for those of you who are husbands. Man, you need to memorize this.
1 Peter 3:7, "Similarly, you husbands should try to understand the wives you live with". Focus in on that word try. That's a great thing, guys. It doesn't say understand, it says try. And they'll give you credit if you just try. She'll give you credit and you'll never be able to understand her completely. And wives, you'll never be able to understand your husband completely, but we try with God's grace and God's power.
See, Chris doesn't expect me to understand everything about her, I don't expect her to understand everything about me, but she does expect me to be understanding. And so when I'm understanding, listening, seeking to feel, then I'm understanding. But then the last thing is rely on God's power. Because I've got to admit to you, everything I've told you today is true biblical principles that will change your life but you can't do it without God's power, because human love can't do it.
It's natural for us to fight about surface issues, it's natural for us to hide things. It's natural for us not to live in the light, it's natural for us not to be vulnerable and talk about our real needs. But it's supernatural to go to the depth of fellowship. And God can give you the power to do that, in James 4:2 it says, "You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God". And so I'm asking you to ask God as we really kick this series off, that you ask God for his power to love the people in your life.