James Meehan - Wisdom for Improving Your Family Relationships
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Well, in this week’s message about getting relationships right, we are talking about the people we are supposed to love the most, yet they are often the ones we treat the worst. We’re referring to family: parents, siblings—you know, those people. I remember one time having this incredibly healthy, productive conversation with my younger sister, Tori, while I was playing video games. I was sitting in my recliner chair, and she was telling me that she should have this bedroom and not me while I was in the middle of a game. So, of course, I was like, «First of all, that’s ridiculous! I’m older than you; you don’t get to kick me out of this room. Also, I’m in the middle of a game; how dare you interrupt what is happening? This is so important!»
That wasn’t the end of the conversation; she kept saying things, and I kept responding. Eventually, I got so angry that I literally stopped playing my game. That was wild! Then I stood up, walked to my door, sucker-punched it, putting a hole in it, and ran out of my house for the next three hours while it poured rain because I was so unhappy. Now, if I were 12 or 13, this story would be less embarrassing, but at the time of this conversation, I was 18 years old. However, I had not great relationships with my siblings growing up. I’m one of five kids, three sisters and a brother, and almost every single one of those relationships during the majority of my upbringing, the time I lived with my parents, was really messy and strained.
There are probably some of you who have similar stories about your siblings or maybe stories about your relationships with your parents, where one person says something the other person dislikes, and then it just escalates and escalates until people lose it. This is why it matters that we, as followers of Jesus, take time to think about how we can do better to get our relationships right because the people we often treat the worst are the ones we’re meant to love the most. The idea of family is God’s idea; God, the very creator of the universe, is a family. He is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit—three in one, the Trinity. Thus, family and relationships are literally baked into the very nature of God.
When Jesus showed up in history and started calling people to be His followers, they weren’t just becoming friends; they were becoming family, stitched together by the love of God—brothers and sisters, sons and daughters of God the Father. Family is a really big deal, and I think if we look at the words of Jesus, we can see that He offers us wisdom on how to improve our relationships with our families. In Matthew chapter 22, He says the most important commands in all of scripture are this: «to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.» This is the first and greatest commandment, and the second is like it: «love your neighbor"—that includes your family—"as yourself. All of the law, the entire Old Testament, hangs on these two commands.» This means the entirety of the Bible is meant to teach us how to love God and love others, the same way that Jesus does.
What we’re going to do is look at a very famous story and character from the Old Testament who had every reason to hate his family, but instead, he chose to love them. I want to introduce you to a guy named Joseph. I’m going to show you a list of the things that happened to him. Joseph was the second youngest of 12 brothers, and from the very beginning, he was set up to fail because he was obviously his dad’s favorite; he was spoiled, which meant every other sibling was not a fan of Joseph. He was hated by his brothers so much that when the opportunity presented itself, they decided to literally throw him into a pit and planned to murder their own brother. However, one of them, out of the kindness of his heart, came up with a different plan. He said, «Guys, instead of killing him, what if we sell him into slavery? Then everybody wins, right? We get rid of Joseph, and someone pays us for it.»
This is brilliant. So that’s exactly what they did; they sold their own brother into slavery. He was taken all the way to a faraway place called Egypt, where he became a servant in the household of a very rich and powerful man named Potiphar. Because Joseph worked really hard and was faithful to God, it didn’t take long before he got elevated to a position of leadership, where he was basically the personal assistant to Potiphar. He had so much trust and authority in Potiphar’s home that Potiphar’s wife noticed him; you might even say she developed a crush on Joseph.
There was one instance where she literally made a move on him, and Joseph said, «No thank you,» and ran out of the room. However, she grabbed onto his coat as he left, and she realized, «Oh snap, this does not look good.» So she came up with a really good plan: «I’m going to tell everybody that Joseph tried to make a move on me, so I look good, and he gets taken care of.» Consequently, Joseph was thrown into prison. While in prison, there was a really interesting circumstance where his two cellmates had dreams they were trying to interpret. By the power of God, Joseph was able to interpret these dreams, and he told the guys, «Hey, whenever you get out, please remember me.» However, as soon as they got out, they forgot about him. One of them was killed while the other had better things happening, and it was two more years before Joseph was left to rot in prison.
Now I want to pause here because Joseph had a lot of really terrible things happen to him over and over again. Who do you think he blamed for it all? Was it the guy who forgot about him in prison? Was it Potiphar’s wife, who falsely accused him? Was it the slavers who took him to Egypt? I imagine the people that Joseph most blamed were his brothers, because they were the ones who started this whole situation. If they hadn’t done what they did, then none of the other mess would have happened to him. It’s almost like every additional bad thing was just driving the wound deeper that his brothers had inflicted on him years ago. But is that really the only group of people he would blame? Or do you think it would go a little bit further?
The only reason his brothers hated him so much was that their dad clearly favored him. If he was so favored by his dad, then why didn’t his dad ever come for him? Thrown into a pit, sold into slavery, sent all the way to Egypt—can you imagine how many days Joseph was probably waiting for his dad to show up? And how many nights he went to bed disappointed because he had been betrayed by his brothers and abandoned by his father? The thing that Joseph probably didn’t know is that his brothers had lied to their dad and said that Joseph was dead. Joseph was already sold into slavery when they killed an animal and used its blood to make it look like Joseph had been murdered.
So Joseph’s dad, the whole time, assumed his son was dead, but Joseph didn’t know that. Year after year, the wounds from his family remained. If Joseph was like most people, they would have festered; they would have gotten really yucky and gross. He might have just used all of the stuff that had been done to him as ammunition to be resentful toward his family. Maybe that’s actually where you find yourself, right?
Now, because you have been mistreated in truly terrible ways by your family, you have a choice. You could, and you have every right, even be justified in being angry and hateful toward them because of what they did to you or how they did not show up for you when you needed them. You could make that choice; that’s the choice that most people make. Tragically, what it always leads to is more bitterness, more pain, more regret, and more misery. But there is a different choice that you can make; there is a better choice that you can make. You can choose to do what Joseph did.
If we continue to fast forward in Joseph’s story, a miraculous sequence of events occurs where Joseph once again gets elevated to a position of leadership. This time, he’s not second in command to a rich man; he is second in command to Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, the most powerful man on the planet. Because of Joseph’s wisdom, a plan is put in place to prepare for this famine so that when people get hungry, they will have food. The famine hits, and people from the surrounding nations are looking for food, including Joseph’s people. His brothers come to Egypt looking for food and encounter Joseph, but they do not recognize him, even though he recognizes them. He has all the power to punish them for everything they did to him, but that is not what he does. Instead of punishing them, he provides for them and their families. It seems too good to be true, as his brothers are ready for something to shift, expecting Joseph to say, «Aha! Gotcha! You thought I forgave you, but I didn’t.»
When their father dies, they come up with a plan to ensure that Joseph doesn’t punish them, thinking maybe Joseph was just playing nice because their father was still around. If we look at Genesis Chapter 50, there is this interesting moment. The brothers see that their father is dead and say to each other, «What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs—and there were many—that we did to him?» So, his brothers come and throw themselves down before Joseph, saying, «We are your slaves.» It’s ironic because they are the ones who sold him into slavery. But Joseph says, «Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.»
We’re going to pause for just a second because this right here is right at the end of Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and that sentence is basically the main idea of the whole scripture: that what was intended for harm, God always uses for good. The brothers intended to harm Joseph so that they could be their dad’s favorite, but God used it for good for the saving of many lives. What people intended for harm—like crucifying Jesus—God used for good for the saving of many lives. What the people in your life intended for harm when they did what they did to you, God is so good and so kind that He can redeem it; He can bring you healing.
Let me be very clear: God did not want the injustice that was done to you to happen, but God will be there to help you heal from it, grow from it, and use your story to help others. He will use the wisdom you learned along the way to make a difference in the lives of others, just like He did for Joseph. These brothers intended to harm him, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done—the saving of many lives. So then Joseph says, «Don’t be afraid, I will provide for you and your children,» and he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. I love that detail—that he spoke kindly to them—because most families are really good at speaking harshly to one another. The author wanted to make sure that we know Joseph spoke kindly. So what do your relationships with your family look like right now? Are they really strong and healthy? They could be.
Some of you have been blessed with amazing parents and have been raised in a phenomenal household, where your family loves each other, and you’re there for one another; that is a blessing. Some of you have families that aren’t terrible, but you wouldn’t say they are very good either; you know it could be better, and you want to be a part of making it better. Some of you find your family to be a mess; it is dysfunctional, and that is just the best way to put it. But you know it doesn’t have to stay that way, and you don’t want to keep settling for that. You want to do whatever you can—however small the difference—to make it better. So then, what should you do? You must honor your family. Honoring your family means loving them regardless of how they treat you.
And that’s really important. Honoring your family means loving them regardless of how they treat you, because there will be times when they treat you very poorly, and your response should be to honor them. There will be times when they speak to you harshly, and your response should be to honor them even when they are not kind to you. Even when they are related to you, it’s especially difficult, but it matters in a very big way. Those of you who have really healthy families know that there are few things more life-giving, more safe and secure, than a truly healthy family. For those of you who do not have healthy families, you know that there are few things more draining and more painful than a dysfunctional family. So what do you do?
The Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians chapter 13 tells us what love looks like. He says that love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. If you want to have better relationships with your family, you’ve got to honor them; you have to love them as you would want to be loved.
So, I want to offer you three steps to help you do that well. Step one is to reflect—actually reflect on the way you are treating your family. Think about how you interact with them, and consider that scripture we just read: Is the way you treat your family loving? Is it patient and kind? I told you a story at the beginning about this conversation I had with my sister, which was anything but loving. I was the opposite of patient and kind; I was angry, and I was harsh. I wasn’t just that way with one sister; I was that way with just about every sibling. When I finally became a Christian and recognized, «Oh snap, Jesus calls me to something different and better,» I knew that I needed to be different and better.
After you reflect, you’ve got to repent. Repent is a word that means to turn away from what is wrong and turn toward what is right. It’s turning away from sin and turning to God. It’s after recognizing that you have fallen short and taking a step to be made right with God and with others. Repentance often sounds like, «I’m so sorry for the way I’ve treated you. I really want to try better. Will you forgive me?»
And those conversations are never fun; they’re always terrifying because the other person can always say no. However, if you approach them with real sincerity—if you come to them and genuinely mean what you are saying—the chances are pretty good that they will say yes, «I forgive you,» and that they also want things to get better. Even if they don’t, that doesn’t change the fact that you are still called to honor them. That means you love them regardless of how they treat you after you’ve repented.
Step three is to replace what you’ve been saying and doing with things that are different—things that are better. You replace anger with patience, harshness with kindness, hate with love, and lies with truth. You start genuinely doing your best to treat the people who are closest to you in the best way you can, because whether you like them or not, God gave them to you, and whether they like you or not, God gave you to them. Family can be really messy; it can be exhausting and painful, but there is so much beauty when we get those relationships right.
1 Corinthians 13 is a beautiful passage of scripture. What’s interesting is that this description of love also gives us so much insight into the character of God, because God is love. Jesus’s love is personified in everything that He asks us to do; He first did it for us. So, I want to read this one more time, but through the lens of what it says about Jesus. This is why His Gospel is such good news: because Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind, Jesus does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud, He does not dishonor others, He is not self-seeking or easily angered, and He keeps no record of wrongs. Jesus does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Jesus never fails. He didn’t fail 2,000 years ago on that cross, and He will not fail you when you put your faith in Him.
So, Lord Jesus, we thank You that You are so much better than we could ever imagine. We thank You for showing us what it looks like to get our relationships right, and You are inviting us to follow in Your footsteps so that we can do better and experience the joy that comes from healthy and thriving family relationships. Help us to honor our parents, to love our siblings, and to chase after You with all that we have so that You can lead us to being patient, kind, and never failing or giving up on those You have placed in our lives. We love You so much, Jesus. We thank You, and it’s in Your name we pray, amen and amen.