Greg Ford - Respond to Shame and Guilt
Welcome to the Power of One. Today, I wanna talk to about community. Right, the word community is a compound word, common unity. And so, we wanna be in cities, families, churches, jobs where we’re in relationship with people and there is unity. How do we do that? Fortunately, the Bible teaches us how we should relate to one another. And today, what I wanna talk to you about is what do we do with our shame, right? Anytime, you’re in a community, you have laws, and you have rules of how we should treat each other and how we should conduct ourselves. What happens when you step out of bounds? What happens when you start down the path of sin, and now, there’s consequences, and now, there’s things you can’t go back and undo so, we all start to deal with shame and guilt. If we ignore that and we act like there is nothing you’ve doing wrong, often things become chaotic. But we don’t wanna live in that quicksand and keep drowning in shame and guilt. How do we live in this, and how do we help others? Let’s and learn together.
Today, we’re going to talk about is: what we do with guilt and shame? What do we do with guilt and shame, because often what happens is we get things out of order and when we get things out of order, often we make decisions that end up causing us guilt and shame. And when you actually think about, guilt and shame are bad feelings, they’re bad feelings. And there’s kind of a spectrum of reactions that people have to bad feelings. Some people on one end of the spectrum they think all bad feelings are bad so, they won’t let anybody ever make them feel bad about anything, ever. And anybody that makes them feel bad about anything they call them toxic, and they push them away so they don’t wanna feel, they don’t ever wanna feel bad. But that’s a mistake to think that way because there are some bad feelings that aren’t bad, okay? They’re uncomfortable, but they’re not bad.
And we’re gonna talk, I’m gonna get more into that in a little bit, but that that’s a mistake to just think that all bad feelings are bad. Then there’s other people on the other side that they’ve actually developed like some sort of unhealthy attachment to shame. Like it’s familiar. «This is what I see when I see myself, so, to let go of it I wouldn’t even know who I am». So, they stay connected to it. We’re going to get out of this. Okay, let’s start with this, what would a great life, a fulfilling life look like?
Alright, this is what it would look like. We’re talking about for relationships. The first is your relationship with God. That your relationship with God was in order, and it was great. You didn’t have shame and guilt when it came to God, you were learning new things about him all the time, you feel very connected to God. Okay, think about this the spirit of the law in the Old Testament, the Ten Commandments, the first law, the first rule. «Have no other Gods before me». Why? Because Matthew 6:33 says, «Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and then all the other things will be added to you as well». If I get the vertical correct, the horizontal is drastically affected. So, getting my relationship with God in order, having good theology, being at peace with God is huge.
And so, let’s imagine that we had that relationship in order. The second, I’m just gonna write, I’m gonna write closest. So this would be the closest people to you, if you’re married this is your spouse. If you’re not married it’s your closest friends, it’s your confidantes it’s the people close to you. If you have a good marriage that’s fulfilling, it’s in order, and there’s reciprocity. We’re given and taking, sometimes I give a little more than I take, sometimes I take more than I give. But we are giving and taking with one another, and it’s a fulfilling, it’s intimacy, it’s into me see. You see me, you know me as really as I am you, accept me in that state, and it’s highly fulfilling.
In fact, what happens is, you get the right dose and I’m going to misspell it, but you’ll get the idea. Dose, okay. Okay, we have, it’s not how you spell, but you got it. Okay, it’s a serotonin, okay, adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, alright. We’re going biological for a minute. These are your brain chemicals, this is what gets released in good relationships, this is what gets released, these things shoot off in all kinds of ways, these all go off when you’re having sex, or when you’re at the end of having sex. The oxytocin goes off when a woman gives birth to a baby, her body shoots off oxytocin to bond. This is the bonding.
When you feel lonely, so, let’s say, you’re married, but you feel lonely in your marriage. You either don’t feel safe or you don’t feel seen, or for whatever reason, yeah, we committed to one another but we’re not close. You are craving oxytocin you might try to find it somewhere else. You might find it from artificial means, or even sinful means, things that are out of order. But what you’re really hoping for, you’re really want some oxytocin or some adrenaline, is passion. «I want some passion, I just wanna feel good».
Serotonin makes you feel good. Dopamine helps you feel peace and it relieves pressure. Okay, so in my closest relationships, if I was getting all of this, and I was reciprocating, my behaviors were in order and there was reciprocity that would be really good. The next thing is what I’ll just call community, okay. Or we’ll just talk about our friendships, right, okay. So, think of it like this seek first the Kingdom of God then second, oh yeah, Ecclesiastes 4. Ecclesiastes 4 says, «Two are better than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, and another can reach out, and help. Someone falls alone they’re in real trouble. Likewise, two lying together can keep warm, but how can somebody keep warm alone. And a person standing alone can be attacked, and defeated, but if you stand back to back and reciprocate, you can conquer together».
Okay, that’s an awesome, and cord of three strands is not easily broken. That’s here, community. Okay, community, these are your friends and the people around you. Maybe not your ride or die like this, like these people here if you go to prison they’re going too. You know, it’s like, «We’re going together». Like, «I ain’t leaving you or anything. It doesn’t matter how, I love you, I’m always gonna be for you». These people though are the people within your community, and this is why Paul talks in Romans 12, he says, «Hey, be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep».
Last Sunday after church, my daughter and I went to the visiting hours for one of her classmates. A young man that rides or rode her bus and he passed away in his sleep. And his family was grieving, and we walked in and frankly, I didn’t know anybody at this event. I didn’t know anybody there, and yet the family was there, and this family saw tons of people they didn’t know. This wasn’t just their family, it was classmates, it was friends of their son who they had never met. It was people that rode the bus, but the community showed up to weep with someone who weeps. But also to celebrate with those who celebrate to be able to be happy for other people when they’re going through something good.
You ever had something going good, and you just wanna call somebody and celebrate with you? That’s cool. So, when you have a community that celebrates you, and that cries with you, that’s good, it’s reciprocity. It’s in order. The last is in your relationship to your work. Ephesians 2:10 says, «We’re God’s masterpiece created in Christ Jesus to do good works. That he prepared for you, for me to do».
So, then even the nature of your work, what you’re do when you’re 40, 50, 60 however many hours a week you work, you’re taking your body, your mind, your gifts, your talents, and doing some work. You like the nature of the work, I enjoy the work, and I know how it’s affecting the community. I see that it’s bringing a result so, if you work your tail off and you’re really stressed out, but there’s a payoff of some sort of reciprocity even whether it’s gratitude or you see a result in some way, then you’re in balance, then, «Hey, I really like my job. I like the way it makes me feel. I like being good at what I’m good at, and I like the result».
Now, let’s say you had a great relationship with God, your theology was on point, you had a great relationship with the intimacy in your marriage, or the people closest to you. You were in a great community that was healthy and weeping with you, and you were weeping with them, and celebrating together, and you were doing a job, giving your energy to good work that you believe in, and that you’re good at even though it’s hard sometimes. There’s payback. That is the dose of all the brain chemicals you’re supposed to have and that’s a really good life. That’s a really fulfilling life. And what you’ll find is, if you had all of those things in order and reciprocal, you’d find yourself not all that tempted. You’d be less vulnerable to temptation if you’re getting all of the chemicals you’re supposed to get in the right way, the way God designed it in order. How did we end up out of order?
Well, a breakdown somewhere here. My marriage is bad, and I hate my job. My marriage is bad, and I feel alone at home, and I go to work and I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t even like this job, I don’t like this place, I don’t have any support with the people and I don’t even know what I believe about God. O for four. I’m gonna find myself tempted to try to find some doas, an unhealthy doas by artificial means. Even if you have the willpower to bite down and not do it, 'cause you know it’s taking you to a prison, it’s bad decision, it’s still kind of a miserable life.
Paul talks about this in Romans 7:21–25, he says, «I’ve discovered principle in life that I want to do what’s right». I want all that in order. «Inevitably, I do what’s wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart». Right. So, in other words, I get it. I get what in order is, and I love it. He said, «But there’s another power within me that’s,» look at this. Look, look, «At war with my mind». I’m craving oxytocin, I’m craving serotonin, I’m craving adrenaline, I just wanna go feel good. I just wanna go forget about my pain, I just wanna go numb myself I just want some peace. So, I find myself at war in my mind. He said, «This power makes me a slave to sin, and it’s still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am»!
What miserable life. Even if I could bite down real hard, and fight through with my willpower, I feel myself slipping. «Who will free me from this life that’s dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is Jesus». Jesus, oh, you didn’t listen to it on Spotify? That’s cool. Go check it out. «Answer is Jesus» one church music. It’s a real song. He said, «I’m miserable». And this is how it works. This is how it works. If I have these areas in order, reciprocity, I’m less tempted. But when one of these or two of these, God forbid, four of these are out of order, then I find myself really vulnerable to temptation, and so do you. And so, when we find ourselves vulnerable to temptation now, we have decisions to make. So, either I’m just gonna try to do the right thing, and be miserable, or maybe some people in an effort, in a moment of weakness make a decision that I regret, that you regret. And so now, you have with you the burden of guilt and the burden of shame.
Let’s think about this, God has designed us, psychologically, with a fear of rejection. That fear of rejection is part of what deters us from shameful behaviors. Like I know that I have certain things going for me in the world that if I act anti-socially, or selfishly, or I do shameful things I could lose relationships, I could lose respect, I could lose my job, and so, even in times where my flesh might feel tempted, or I wanna do something short-sighted, I have this fear of rejection that’s in me, that’s not all bad. It’s like, «Hey man, if you do that it really cost you, better not do that».
And so, there’s something that’s going off in there, and in a sense that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Because we understand, in order for our culture, and our society, and our community to work, people need to behave in ways that aren’t shameful. If everybody starts acting shamefully, the whole thing implodes, it falls apart. And yet what do we do with people that do something shameful, or they’re guilty of something so that they don’t have an unhealthy relationship, or an improper relationship to it, and carry it around for the rest of their lives? Alright so, here’s, how we deal with it in the right way, and get out of it. Again, if you’re walking through today you’re going, «I either feel this at a deep level based on the way I’ve been treated, and devalued, or maybe you made a decision for one of these reasons. I wasn’t getting my right doas, the way I needed it, and in a moment of weakness I did something shameful».
How do we get out of it? Okay, imagine this for a moment. Imagine that you ingest some poison. Depending on how big you are, and how little of a dose you ingest, you can poison, and certain dose won’t kill you, right away. But what it’ll do is makes you sick. You start to feel symptoms, you feel bad. «I don’t feel so good». And if you take enough of it, not too much, but enough of it, it’ll make you really sick to where you vomit. Alright, the reason… I know. I want to give you a headache, right now. I want to burn this in your brain. I’ll do whatever it takes for this lesson to stick because I love you, truly. What the bad feeling, okay, if I’m one of these people that go, «I don’t wanna feel anything bad. I never feel anything bad».
What the bad feeling is telling you is something is out of order. It’s impure. There’s something in you that shouldn’t be there. You did something you shouldn’t do. And we’ll call, we’ll call that guilt, alright. «I feel guilt». Now, if you just have this aversion to bad feelings, all bad feelings are bad, what you’ll try to do is block it out. Okay, act like it didn’t happen, move on, the next day you wake up. «You’re so crazy, arsenic, oh, you’re so, oh you’re poisoned, you’re so crazy. And then you go back and do it again». Proverbs 26, I believe, 11. Proverbs 26:11, says, «As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness».
So what would be the best use of this bad feeling, in this experience? It would be this, barf your guts out… And look at it, 'cause there’s a part of you that doesn’t like bad feelings, and bad smells, and bad taste, but you have poison in you. So, you could just, «Get this away from me». Which is that’s a human instinct. Wisdom would do the counter-intuitive thing. Look at it so, you can learn from it. You do something that lands you a night in jail, what is your instinct? Call the first person to bail me out as quick as they can, the counter-intuitive thing that might actually be wise, would be for you to sit there for a night and stare at the confinement.
And to go, if I keep ingesting poison, 'cause here’s what happens, you ingest a little bit of poison, you feel bad, and you vomit. You ingest more, it does permanent brain damage, you ingest more, you’re dead, you die. So, the wise person would get a night in jail, and instead of calling the first person to bail them out asap, would sit there and to stare at this, and to imagine this being my whole life. I’m gonna look at it so, I can learn from it so, I can let it go. You gotta understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is feeling bad about what I’ve done, shame is feeling bad about who I am. Guilt, there’s an appropriate connection to guilt. I shouldn’t have done that.
If you did something, you knew better, you knew the cost, you knew the risk, rationally, but you did it anyway. And it ended up with collateral damage, to just push all of that out of your head and move on to what’s next and sun will come out tomorrow, and anybody that makes me feel bad is toxic and they’re a hater. No, you need to sit and think about what you did. You need to sit with a proper amount of guilt. Not so, that you can carry it around for the rest of your life, and misdiagnose your identity as shame. But so that you can look at it long enough to learn from it so that then I can let it go. Because the reality is how you respond to guilt, it’s a slippery slope dude. It’s a slippery slope.
James 1. James 1 talks about this. It says, «Temptation comes from our own sinful desires,» it comes from our own desires. Temptation comes from our own desires. You have some good desires, in right doas there’s fulfillment. Sometimes this stuff gets off. Having nothing to do, like, it’s not like you even necessarily made it get off, but it’s off. And if you’re not smart enough to know, if you’re not wise enough to know, the temptation that you’re under, he says guess what? «It can entice you and drag you away». These desires give birth to sinful action, and you’re going to have a bad feeling, and a bad night, and symptoms, but if you keep doing it, it creates long-term damage, he said, «When it’s allowed to grow, it’ll create brain damage and death».
Brain damage, and death. What does this have to do with community? Well, this has everything to do with community. Paul talks about this in Ephesians 6:1, it says, «Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly,» look at this. «You who are godly, you who are spiritual, you who are mature, should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. Your community should be designed in such a way that when somebody is out of order, that those who are mature, instead of pushing them down, or expelling as a first resort, you should give every effort you can to gently and humbly», and the gentleness and humility comes from the fact that we all understand this, and we understand how you can get there. And all of us have been there in some way. Whether it caused us to do something short-sighted or made us live miserably, like Paul did. You know, just not in order.
So, he said that those experiences, that maturity should give you a gentleness and humility to help that person back onto the right path. And he said, and be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. «Share each other’s burdens and in the same way obey the law of Christ. If you think,» look at this, verse 3, «If you think you’re too important to help someone, you’re only fooling yourself. You are not that important». So how do we properly respond to shame and guilt? The first thing is this, see it as a gift. I know it doesn’t feel like a gift, it feels like vomit, it feels like sick, it feels, uh. It’s a gift.
Hebrews 12:5 says, «My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline. Don’t give up when he corrects you for the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his own child. As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children it means you are illegitimate and not really his children at all». In other words, it’s a gift. That bucket is a gift. That sick, that bad feeling, the feeling of guilt is a gift to keep you from shame. He says, «Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how».
Whether they were good at it or not. «But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness». So that we might live pure, we might live in order. «No discipline is enjoyable while it’s happening,» no, it feels terrible, «It’s painful. But afterwards there will be a peaceful harvest of right,» in order, reciprocal, proper doas, «Living for those who are trained in his way». So, here’s what it looks like to get out of this, it starts with a vision for your life beyond shame. To understand that you’re not icky, but you may be out of order. And to sit with the guilt just long enough to learn, to look at it long enough to learn from it, so that you can let go of it and detach from it. Which means that you’re going to have to have a new vision for yourself, other than what you currently see when you look in the mirror, which is shame.
And here’s what it is, and this is what’s amazing, is if you walk this out the right way, and you learn what you need to learn, you actually end up a better person than you were before you screwed up. The catastrophic error, the dysfunction, the moment of weakness, it’s horrible and there is a hopeless feeling that I’m gonna have to spend the rest of my life trying to work this off and this is going to be a boat anchor on my life that I have to drag around, and I’ll never get over it. It is not designed for that. Guilt is designed to keep you from that boat anchor and dragging it around in shame for the rest of your life. So, if you have had the courage, and the wisdom to stare at the vomit, to look at it long enough, to learn from it.
Now, it’s time to move on, and when I move on, and I let go of shame, what do I pick up is a new view of myself. I’m better now than I was before. I’m better now than I was before. «God causes all things to work together for good for those who love him, are called according to his purpose». Even that horrible mistake, you’ll be counted in the number of people that say, «I don’t ever wanna do that again. I really learned my lesson. I would never wanna walk another mile in those shoes, but I wouldn’t change who I am now. I’m built different now. I see different now. I’m deeper. I’m wiser. I’m stronger. I’m tougher. I’m a better man. I’m a better woman than I was before, even before I made the mistake». It’s redemption, it’s resurrection, it’s beautiful. So now, I have a new image of myself.
And so, you gotta let go, and you gotta pick up something new. And then we as a community of uncommon unity have to be the place. We’ve gotta be the place, and the people that are a part of helping somebody else get back in order. Somebody that might see themselves as icky, and this is the beauty of when the Lord brings you all the way through this healing, you now become one of the gentle restorers, one of the humble, gentle people that understands footing, 'cause, «I’ve slipped before. I’ve been there before so, I know what it’s like. I know that look, I know that feeling, I know what the vomit smells like. I’ve lived there», but friend, you don’t want brain damage and you definitely don’t want death. And if we can get you back in order, the way God designed for you to be, you’ll get the right doas, and you will live a rich, and satisfying life. You’ll live a great life, an abundant life, a fulfilling life that God intended for you the whole time. Let’s be a place of uncommon unity, that can help deal with shame and sin, and guilt in the right way to help restore what was lost.