Craig Groeschel - When Self-Love Is Selfish
I walked into a grocery store, and I was on an assignment from Amy. My assignment was simple, get a gallon of milk. But as you know, in today's culture, that's not as easy as it sounds because way back in the olden days when I was a kid, milk was mostly milk. Anybody remember? Your options, whole milk, skim milk, 1%, 2%. I always wondered about 1% and 2% milk. I always wondered, what's the other 98, 99%. Who knows? But today is so much more confusing. Then, there was no such thing as plant-based, lactose-free, vegan non-GMO milk.
Today, not only do you have cow's milk, but you got goat milk, and oat milk, and rice milk, and soy milk and coconut milk, and almond milk. And I'm wondering like how do you milk an almond? A coconut? I can see that. An almond? How do you do that? And so I walked into the grocery store, I'm scanning the aisles from a distance, looking for the exact type that my bride desires. And I saw one. And when I say one, I mean only one. There was only one gallon left of the exact right kind. And as I took a step forward, I looked over to my side, and I saw another gentleman, very likely on an assignment from his wife, eyeing my very same gallon that Amy wanted. So what do you think I did?
As a man of God, as a Christian, as a pastor, I said, "Sir, you take this last gallon of milk for your wife so she can be proud of you, and my wife can be disappointed in me". Of course not. What do you think I did? I pushed a 5-year-old outta the way. I fast walked down, put my shoulder down into him, nudged him in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, outta the way, grabbed the milk, and walked away victorious. You say, "Are you exaggerating at all, Craig"? Just a little bit. I didn't push the 5-year-old, but all the rest is actually true. Why did I do that? Why do we do things like that? The answer is because putting ourselves first is one of the most natural things that we do.
Raise your hand if you agree. Raise your hand. Online, type in, "I agree". Type it in right now. "I agree". If you don't agree, I can prove it to you because anytime there is a group photo with you in it and five other people, who do you look at first? You look at yourself, don't you? And how do you determine if it's a good photo or not? If you got one old boy like blinking, and another girl has hair in her face, and some guy's staring off in the distance, but it's a good photo of you. Is it good or bad? It's a good photo because putting yourself first is the most natural thing that we do. And I can't speak for you, but the world encourages my self obsession.
Over and over again, culture tells me, do what's best for me. I deserve my me time. My needs come first. Therefore, I'm gonna focus on myself right now. Yet, God's word tells us in Philippians chapter two that we are to "Do nothing out of selfish ambition..." Pause on that for a moment. No behavior, no action should ever be done from "selfish motives or vain conceit". But, "Rather, in humility, we value others..." We consider others better than ourselves. We "value others above yourselves," scripture says, "not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others".
Think about that for just a moment. God's word tells us, do nothing out of selfish ambition, and culture preaches the exact opposite. Putting myself first, it sounds good, it feels true, but it's not good, it's not true. It's almost true. And what's interesting is there's kind of a very common and almost popular teaching today that people will tell you, "Well, you can't truly love others until you love yourself". So you have to put yourself first. Treat yourself. You deserve it. Self care is not selfish because you can't pour from an empty cup. So what should you do? You should live for yourself. You don't need to justify your actions to anyone, and cut anyone out of your life that doesn't add value to your life 'cause you don't owe anyone anything, and don't feel guilty. Why? Because you come first.
And this is a heartbreaking and very popular and pervasive message from culture today. We have become, for the most part, a generation obsessed with ourselves. And what does God say about that? 2 Timothy 2:3. "But mark this:" scripture says, "There will be terrible times in the last days". Are we living in the last days? I don't know. Scripture says this. People will be lovers of selfies. Doesn't say that exactly, but I think in the Greek it might say selfies. "People will be lovers of themselves". Do you see that? Raise your hand if you see it. Type in the comment section, "I see it". They will be lovers of money. Do you see it? They will be boastful. Do you see it? They'll be proud.
Watch this. They will be "Lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying his power..." Having the illusion of being Christians, but not walking in the spirit. There is a phrase, and I'm being a little bit sarcastic, but part of the reason is because it's so pervasive. There's a phrase that just haunts me. It's unsettling to me. They will be lovers of themselves. The reason I that's hard for me to read is because, like, I am a lover of myself. I can be very obsessed with myself. Like, what's in it for me? What do I have to do? What am I gonna get outta this? What do they can think of me?
And if we're not careful, and I just wanna say this, this self love can creep into the culture of our churches. And before long we can start serving what I would call a self-centered Christianity where we may know in our heads that we're called to love God, and serve God, and lay down our lives to love him, and to love others, but we live as if God exists to serve us. And we may believe in God, but is often this self-centered belief where we claim to love him, but in reality we really love ourselves. If God doesn't do what we think he should do, then "God, I'm not gonna have anything to do with you". It becomes a self-centered version of Christianity.
And what's interesting is it's really mind-blowing when you think about it. I mean, think about this. We are a generation, we are a culture obsessed with self-care. We're gonna prioritize ourselves, and we're gonna guard my me time, and we're gonna protect our mental health, and we're gonna do what's best for us, and we do, yet, we're more anxious, we're more stressed, and we're more depressed. Why? Maybe our problem isn't that we don't love ourselves enough. Maybe our problem is that we love ourselves too much. And you can gently clap. Amen, because you're not sure if you wanna stick with me on this one or not. Because if I haven't stepped on your toes hard yet, I'm about to jump in your lap. Okay? I'm stepping on my own toes.
What do we do when we find ourselves completely opposite of what Jesus says? We look to the words of Jesus When someone asks Jesus, "Hey, what's the greatest command of all," this is what Jesus said. Mark 12, Jesus says there's two things. How many are there? There's two things. Online, how many are there? There's two things. Type. I want you to make sure you know. How many are there? There's two things. The first one is what? What is number one? "Love the Lord your God..." That's number one. With a part of your heart? Whenever it's convenient? Whenever the football game's not on or the Olympic's not on? No, no, no, no, no, okay. Love your God with all your heart, and soul, and mind.
That's number one. The second is what? Love your neighbor. There's two things. Two commands. Love the Lord, your God and love your neighbor. How do you love your neighbor? You love your neighbor as your self. "There is no command greater than these". The first one is what? The first one is love God. The second one is, love your neighbor. How do you love your neighbor? As yourself. Here's where it gets weird. Some people conclude that Jesus is commanding you to love yourself. And the self-centered version of Christianity will preach a false gospel that goes like this. You can't really love others until you love yourself. So if you can't love others until you love yourself, you have to put yourself first. You have to focus on yourself.
And I wanna remind you, Jesus didn't tell you to love yourself. Why? Because loving yourself is not a command. It's an assumption. Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," 'cause he assumed you already do love yourselves. You guys are quiet. We love ourselves a lot. Okay, I love myself. Jesus didn't have to tell me to love myself. I already do. It's crazy. My buddy John, one time we were out looking to buy a rent house together, and we were looking at this house. We're in the backyard, kinda looking at the house from the outside. And this dog, most ferocious looking man-eating dog, came charging straight at us.
What I would like to tell you that I did was said, "John, I love you. I honor you. You've been a good friend to me. You step out of the way. I'll stand between you and the dog. And I would give my life because greater love has no man than he gets eaten by a dog for his friends". What do you think I did? It's every man for himself. I took John. John was here. The dog was coming at us. I pushed off him, pushed him toward his death... And ran the other way. Thankfully, I didn't know at the time the dog was on a chain and the dog didn't have far to go. But I pushed my friend toward his certain demise.
If you're wondering, we did not buy that house together on that day. When Jesus says, "Love your neighbor as yourself," he's not saying love yourself, prioritize yourself because he's assuming that you already do. Now, some of you may say, "Okay, I'm kind of with you a little bit, but there are things I don't like about myself". How many of you agree there are things you don't like about yourself? So you know, maybe I don't love myself. I don't like certain things. Like you may say, "I don't like my wrinkles," or, "I don't like my pooch," or, "I don't my thicker legs or my thinning hair".
Whatever it is. We all have those things. I'm not a massive fan of my nose and my toes. Thankfully Amy does like my nose, but no one including probably God... They're like, I have a size 12 feet. Truth of matter is I have about a size five foot and then the rest is toes. And it's just like I can type books with them, I can throw baseballs with them, and I don't like them. Whenever I'm at my house, and let's say I'm just sitting around in my shorts because I'm a regular guy when I'm not being a preacher. Regular guy. Someone knocks on the front door. Amy never says, quick put on your shirt. She never says that. She says, "Put on your socks quick. Now, do it". Okay? I don't like those things.
So does that mean that I don't love myself? Think about it. What we don't like about ourselves usually isn't due to a lack of self love. It's usually a result of self obsession. I'm obsessed with myself, therefore I don't like this about myself. So let's just talk straight. If you wanna be a disciple of Jesus, he doesn't say, whoever wants to be my disciple must pamper himself. Culture says that, Jesus doesn't. Whoever wants to be my disciple must live for himself. Whoever wants to be my disciple must put himself first.
Now, I'll show you what Jesus says, and lemme give you the context. He explains that he's gonna go to Jerusalem, and he's gonna suffer horribly, and he's gonna die on a cross, and three days later, God's gonna raise him from the dead. And Peter says, "No, that's not gonna happen. We love you too much. That's not gonna happen". And Jesus says, "Get behind me Satan". He calls Peter Satan. On a side note, whole different sermon, but one of your goals is not for Jesus to call you Satan. Okay? This is another thing. And so Jesus responds in Matthew 16, and he says this to his disciples. "Jesus says to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must...'"
Do what? Say it aloud. He must "Deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me". If you wanna me be my disciple, you deny yourself. Take up your cross and follow me. Now, when we read that in our culture today, we just kind of blow by it. I do. Like, deny yourself, take up your cross. Kinda like try to be nice, go to your church if you can, and watch your favorite YouTube preacher whenever you're on the treadmill at the gym. Deny yourself, pick up a cross. We just read it like that. Whenever Jesus said, "Deny yourself and take up your cross," let me tell you right now, the disciples probably gasped. They're probably like, "No, he did not just say that. Like, is he serious"? And I'll tell you why.
If you understand the context, they would've been besides themself. And the reason that it would've been shocking is because they were hyper aware of the most bloody uprising in Jewish history. It's actually mentioned in Acts 5:37. But for context, less than 30 years before, the Jews revolted against the Roman government. Like, their taxes are too high. So this guy named Judas, not the Judas that betrayed Jesus, another Judas said, "Hey, let's go and charge the Roman government, and we're gonna take 'em over".
Big, big, big mistake. Sadly, hundreds of Jews were slaughtered, and the remaining people were captured. And the Roman soldiers said to them, and this is where the phrase became famous, "Take up your cross". And these Jewish people had to take up their cross, drag it across the city street in front of other Jewish people. And then the Roman soldier would say, "Lay it down". Wherever they'd lay it down, they would crucify publicly, hanging naked before the other Jews, their fellow Jews to say, if you ever come against Rome again, this is what's gonna happen to you. Then it got crazier. The Roman government prohibited, forbid, the soldiers from taking the dead bodies down.
And so the Jews saw their relatives hanging on the cross as their bodies were rotting. Historians, other historians, tell us they left them there for years. Some scholars say it's very, very possible that when Jesus said these words, "You must deny yourself and take up your cross," it's very, very possible that he said those exact words near the exact spot where some of the disciples' relatives were very likely crucified on a cross. And it all started with the words "Take up your cross".
And so Jesus said, "Hey, listen to me. If you wanna be my disciple, you deny yourselves". You don't pamper yourselves. You don't put yourself first. You don't say I'm treating myself. You deny yourself, you take up your cross, and then you follow Jesus. When you come to Jesus, you don't celebrate. Look how amazing I am. You don't celebrate yourself. You don't promote yourself. You don't indulge yourself. You actually die to yourself. And Paul said it this way. The Apostle Paul, the guy that at one time was like persecuting Christians, but was changed by Jesus, he said this. He said, "I've been crucified with Christ".
In other words, the old me died. He said, "I've been crucified with Christ and I no longer live". Now he said, "Christ lives in me," and "I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me". He said, I no longer live. My old life died. He's dead. He's gone. Now, Christ lives through me. In other words, life isn't about me. It's not about my wants and my desires and my hopes and my dreams and my wishes. I'm dead to that sinful, selfish nature. I die to myself.
Now, Christ lives in me. In fact, my pastor, Pastor Nick, who's an amazing preacher, he used to do this illustration. I can't do it the way he did, but he would say, "Whenever selfish Nick rises up, I look at Nick and say, 'Nick, you died. You are dead. You're a dead man. I don't listen to dead men. Self, you are dead. I don't listen to dead men.'" And then he's say "Christ lives in me". The way he said it, you remember, it was so amazing. It was amazing.
So I wrote a sermon based on that. It was based on Romans chapter six. Why am I telling you this? Because I just remember it. Romans 6 says, "Shall we go on sinning that grace may increase? By no means, we died to sin". I called the sermon, "Are You Dead Yet"? I preached at my church, and it was good. Then I got invited to my first revival. I was in seminary, and I got invited to a revival in Pond Creek, Oklahoma, population 893, at First Christian Church in Pond Creek, Oklahoma. I drove over there to do the revival. I looked at the crowd. There were probably 20 people, average age 80. And I announced the title of my sermon, "Are You Dead Yet"? And I've never been back to Pond Creek in my life.
Shall we go on sinning, and living for ourselves that grace may increase? Paul said, "By no means. We died to ourself". I am crucified with Christ. Nevertheless, I live, but it's not my life, my desires. It's Christ living in me. What's really cool is that you're clapping for this because most of us aren't living it. When I say most of us, I'm including most of us, like most of us, because I protect my time like nobody's business. And so what I wanna do is I wanna give you a moment for the Holy Spirit to work in you. And I'm gonna ask you a question. And I want you to let this question kind of settle in your soul. And I want you to talk about it in your life groups.
And if you're not in a life group, I want you to get in a life group and talk about it in your life group. And I want you to talk about it with family or with friends over lunch or dinner, whatever it is for you. And I want, you to let God do a work in this. The question I want you to answer is this. In what area of your life are you loving yourself more than loving God and loving others? I want you to ask yourself that question, and just be really, really honest, and see what God shows you. In what area of your life are you loving yourself more than loving God and loving others? And then ask yourself, what is God calling you to do about it?
In what area of your life are you loving yourself more than your loving God and others? And what is God calling you to do about it? It's never a real good message unless I'm honest about how God is working on me. And Amy can tell you this is true. My office team, they'll tell you this is true. I am one of the most selfish people ever with my time. Like you, my schedule is stupid intense, and so nothing gets on my calendar unless I want it on there. And I walk fast. I don't understand people that walk slow. Like when you walk slow, I'm going, "Don't you have anything going? God bless you. You're so slow. I walk fast. Everything is urgent. I'm always under pressure".
And so whenever someone says, hey Craig, can I whatever, I go, "Oh, I wasn't planning on this". And then I study Jesus. And when I look at the life of Jesus, I actually noticed that he did take care of himself. Like I want you to hear this. Like, he did disconnect from the crowds, and he did go and spend time with the Father. He did that. He disconnected himself and went away to spend time with the Father. But when he did that, it wasn't for selfish reasons. He went away to fill up so he could give out.
And then as I watched Jesus, it's like every time something special happened, like he'd pray for somebody, or he'd heal a woman, or he would let little kids come up and hop in his lap, you know, or he would cast out a demon, or he'd pray for some dad's son, or he had raised a dead person, it was never planned. It was, like, never on the schedule. It was always when he was going somewhere else almost every single time. And then I realized that some of the most special moments with God and with God's people... "Love the Lord, your God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as you love yourself".
Most of the special times are actually interruptions. So Amy will tell you, my team will tell you, I'm working really, really hard to slow down, be in the moment. Someone stops, and I'm gonna give you my full best. I'm gonna be present. I'm gonna find joy in it, pray with you, listen to you, maybe even walk slow with you for a minute or two because honestly, the most important thing I do isn't what I accomplish, but how I love. Lemme say it again. Some of you need to hear this. Type A mom, busy student. The most important thing we do is not what we accomplish, but how we love. I don't want people to go around and say, yeah, Craig, he accomplished and produced a lot.
What I want them to say is he loved sincerely, he loved deeply, he loved well. Think about what Jesus called us to do, and think about what Jesus did not call us to do. Let it sink in. Let it sink in because culture says, treat yourself, put yourself first, it's all about you. Don't let them get in the way of your schedule. Cut them out if they don't add value to your life. This culture has said over and over and over and over and over again. And this is not the gospel.
What did Jesus call us to do, and not? Lemme put it all up here so you can see it. Jesus did not call us to promote ourselves, but to humble ourselves. He didn't call us to pamper ourselves, but to deny ourselves. Jesus didn't call us to serve ourselves. He called us to serve others. The greatest are those who serve. Jesus never told us to put ourselves first, but to put ourselves last. And Jesus didn't tell us to seek our pleasure. He told us to pursue God's purpose. Church, I mean, we gotta take the words of Jesus seriously. If we're not fighting against the lure of culture, we'll be serving the devil in the name of Jesus. We'll be doing what our enemy wants, and still pretending like we're fine 'cause we go to church every now and then.
Our calling, the calling of those who follow Jesus, it is not self-love. It is not self-affirmation. It's not self-justification. It's self-denial. This doesn't mean, and please hear me, doesn't mean we don't take a day off. Doesn't mean we don't take care of ourselves. Jesus was not teaching that you shouldn't take a nap, or play a video game, or go get you a sweet treat. If I do good, I will eat four M and Ms. Not five, but four, okay? But here's the deal. If the motive of self care is only yourself, you are being selfish. Listen to the Holy Spirit, not me. Let him say it to you better than I can. If the motive is only for you, it's selfish. But if the motive of self care is to be mentally healthy, and emotionally strong, and physically honoring to God, and spiritually healthy so that you can love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and so that you can love others, then self-care isn't selfish.
Here's what's crazy. Let's just call it what it is. Everybody I know in culture, it's prioritizing self. My time, me time. Don't get in my way. You're not adding value to my life. And everybody's more miserable, and more depressed, and more anxious because our problem isn't that we don't love ourselves enough. I would submit to you our problem is that we love ourselves too much. And what I hope you'll realize is you can't love yourself into happiness, and you can't self-care your way into meaningful relationships, and daily purpose, and inner peace because self-love is always about self. And Jesus told us to deny ourselves. Self-love will never, ever fill us like God's love.
So in view of God's mercy, I offer my bodies a living sacrifice. I die to myself to love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength and love my neighbor as myself. What is love? Love is patient, and love is kind, and it doesn't envy, and it doesn't boast, and it's not proud, and it's not rude, and it's not self-seeking. It's not easily angered, and doesn't delight in evil, but it always rejoices in the truth, and love always hopes, and always trusts, and always protects, and love never fails.
So therefore, I'm not gonna love myself. I'm going to deny myself. I'm gonna be a living sacrifice. I'm gonna love God with everything in me and love my neighbor as myself 'cause I already do love me. So question for reflection, and let the Holy Spirit work. In what area of your life are you loving yourself more than loving God and loving others? And what is God calling you to do about it?
Father, speak to us. We thank you for your loving conviction, and we thank you for your correction. God, I know there's no way I can overcome the force of culture and the lies of the enemy, but you can, your word can, so do it, God, do it. Do it in us. God, do it in your church. God, cleanse us from selfish Christianity. God, in view of your mercy, may we be living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to you as the perfect act of worship.
All I'm gonna ask, super simple, is will you sincerely just pray that prayer and see what God shows you? If you'll do that today, all of our churches, would you just, if you're gonna do it... And listen, don't gimme the whole like half-hearted, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you'll do it, and you'll really listen to what God has to say, would you lift up your hands right now? Our churches lift up. Leave 'em up if you will.
Online, type that in the comments section. "I will pray that prayer". Just, "I will pray that prayer". Why don't you leave your hands up? Just make it an act of worship to God right now. God, show us. Speak to us. God, show us. Show me. Just say, "God, show me". Just say that. "Show me". Show me any area I'm putting myself before you and before others. Now show me, pray that, show me what you want me to do about it. Father, help us to hear you, and to do what you show us to do.
You can put your hands down now. Just wait for God to speak to you, as you keep praying and nobody looking around. Lemme just talk directly to you for a moment. I've been a pastor for three decades, and I am concerned, honestly. There's a lot of people that watch Christian messages and go to church and have a selfish view of Christianity, like God's here for us. We need to adjust that. We're here for him. We're here to glorify him. To be a disciple of Jesus doesn't mean we add Jesus and don't subtract sin. When we surrender to him, we surrender everything. We step away from our sinful nature. We die to ourselves. Jesus said it very simply. You wanna be my disciple. What do you do? It starts with you deny yourself. When he says, "Take up your cross," what he's saying is like you're literally dying to yourself. Then, you follow me.
In other words, from now on, it is not about us. We're gonna glorify him at all we do. Does that mean we're saved by being good and by not being bad? No, no. We're really, really clear. We're not saved by any works. We're saved by the grace of Jesus. His work on the cross was perfect. Jesus went to the cross. They told him, "Hey, take up your cross". He did. He gave his life on the cross. His death paid the penalty for our sins. God raised him from the dead so that anyone who calls in his name would be saved.
And that's why Romans 12 says, in view of God's mercy, in view of what he did, in view of who Jesus is, what do you do? Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice. You're still alive, but you sacrifice. You're dying to yourself daily. It's no longer about me. I wanna follow Jesus.
There's some of you, you're hearing the gospel for the first time in a way you've never heard it before. It's not about you. We turn from our sins. We repent. We call on Jesus. When we do, he forgives our sins. Then guess what? Then, he starts the big word is sanctifying. He's changing us. He's making us more like Jesus. We're denying ourselves. We're gonna follow him.
Today, at all of our churches some of you gonna recognize you got a self-centered version, not the real thing. And today, it is gonna be the real thing. The real thing. I'm denying myself. I'm turning from my sins. I'm calling on Jesus. When you do that, good news, heaven goes crazy. God forgives your sins. You're born anew. You're no longer the same because of the perfect work of Jesus on the cross. Today, all of our churches, those who say I need that. I'm not playing, this isn't pretend, this isn't Churchianity. This is all in, full on. I wanna know Jesus. I wanna follow him. I'm denying myself. I'm dying to myself. I want to know Jesus. I give my life to him.
That's your prayer. Lift your hands high right now. All over the placements, say yes. That's my prayer right back over there. God bless you guys. Others today, say right back up here. Praise God for you. Others, "Jesus, I want to know you. I wanna serve you". Lift your hands and say, "I surrender my life to follow Jesus right back over here". Thank God for his work. And you online, just type in the comment section, "I'm denying myself and following Jesus". "I'm denying myself and following Jesus". Church, would you pray aloud? Nobody pray alone. Pray:
Heavenly Father, I deny myself. It's not about me. I turn for my sins and I turn toward you, and I ask for forgiveness. I receive your forgiveness. I don't deserve it, but I receive it. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your love. Thank you for salvation. In view of your mercy, I offer my life as a living sacrifice. I give it all to you because you gave it all for me. Take my life. Fill me with your spirit. I choose to follow you. In Jesus' name, I pray.