Charles Stanley - Behaviors That Bind Us
Why are so many people so unhappy, anxious, disturbed, unsettled, and full of discontentment? No matter what they have, who they have, what their position, what their prominence, what their status is in life, they're still discontent. Now, a lot of people are able to cover that up rather well and so they move along in life and smile on the outside, but deep down inside they're still full of discontent. On the other hand, there are those people who don't even try to cover it up anymore. They just act out, live out. It shows on their countenance they are very discontent in life. What is it? Even though they have been saved by the grace of God, they're still discontent. Somehow, deep down inside something seems to bind them.
Something seems to have a hold on them, that seems to dictate their actions and their attitudes. It's not what they like, it's not what they want, it's not what they ask for. They just can't seem to identify what is it on the inside of them that drives them that seemingly at times forces them to act in a way they don't want to act. They find themselves responding and turning around and looking and asking themselves the question, "Why do I act this way? Why do I respond the way I respond"?
Well, that's what I want to talk about in this message entitled those "Behaviors That Bind Us" in our life, those actions and attitudes that you and I can't understand. Somewhere along the way we have to trace them back to some cause and some particular source. We're talking about behavior patterns that bind us in our life and keep us... what? Discontent, unsettled, oftentimes anxious, and for the most part very unhappy. So, I want you to turn, if you will, to the First Corinthians thirteenth chapter, this first epistle to Corinthians. And you know this is the chapter in all the scripture about love, the chapter, the supreme chapter, about love.
And Paul has been describing what love is all about and then he comes down to this latter part and he says, beginning in verse eleven, he says, "When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away, or put away, childish things". Now, all of us probably at some time in our life have or act childish. And so, what does that have to do with those things that bind us? And that's what I want to talk about. 'Cause what I'd like to do is to identify in a few moments what those things are.
Now, I want you to think about for just a moment because let's trace all of this back. When you and I were born, God gave us, of course, a mind, a brain, heart, spirit, and all the rest. When you and I came into this world, we began to be programmed. Some people might say that you and I began to be programmed even before we were born. But let's say that at birth you and I began to be programmed, that is, our mind was programmed. What was it programmed with? It was programmed with either the affection or lack of affection from our parents, and that is, in this grid system of ours it's like the strong impressions that came from our parents and those who were around us, and as we grew up, those teachers, for example, that taught us and people who were...our relationships, and so forth.
All of them began to place into our little minds ideas, thoughts. They became a part of our feelings and became a part of our personality so that all of us were pre-programmed, listen, not necessarily against our will, but involuntarily, that is, when your mother and your father said things to you as a little child, you did not reason that out. They just programmed into your thinking certain ideas with which you and I have grown up. Now, we'd all like to say, "Well, you know, I've outgrown those". No, we haven't. Every single one of us has within our mind, has in that grid system, placed there pre-programmed by our parents, especially, or those who kept us, or those who influenced us highly as young children, they programmed into our thinking certain things.
Those things are still there, and they'll always be there. They became a part of our very personality. They have affected the way we act and the way we react. They have affected our relationships with other people. And so, all of us who've grown up to be men, all of you who've grown up to be women, the little girl is still there, the little boy is still there. And if you and I want to be whole persons, we have to learn to identify those childish things in our life and learn how to deal with them. So, what I'd like to do is to identify some of these, certainly not all of them, but to identify some of them, talk about them just for a moment, and then let's talk about how to deal with them, because I can tell you that you can deal with them.
God can set you free. And I'm grateful to God, I can tell you, I'm certainly sure in my own heart that I'm not free of all of mine, but I am grateful to God as I look back over the years and see how He has identified issues in my life that I've had to deal with and realize where it came from. Listen, once you trace it to its source, listen, you're on the way to being delivered from those emotions that bind us, behavioral patterns that cause us all kinds of discontent. Because you see, if you're continually responding to present-day situations as out of, listen, out of your past childhood, then you're gonna cause all kind of hurt and discontent to yourself and those around you. You're going to cause hard feelings, you're gonna cause misunderstandings. And you're gonna be discontent and unhappy with yourself, why? Because you don't want to act that way, and you would say, "I don't know why I do".
I want to show you why you do. So, let's talk about what some of these things might be. Well, there are lots and lots and lots of them, and so let's just begin with this. One, listen, one of those ideas that gets impressed upon our grid system very early in life is measure up, measure up. And so, what happens? A child comes along and no matter what he or she does, they can't quite measure up to the father's expectation or the mother's expectation or both. So, they go to school and what happens? They get Cs and maybe Ds and at that particular point that may the best that little boy or little girl can do. Measure up. When your father was in school, he made straight As.
If he can make straight As, you can make straight As. Or, no matter what that son or that daughter does, for example, let's say the little girl, her parents say, "Well, go get dressed". So, she dresses the best she knows how. "Well, is that the best you can do"? And so, what happens? A little girl grows up thinking, "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can't ever please my mother". And how often have I heard this from men and women alike, "I grew up in a situation no matter what I did, I couldn't please them".
Now, let me just say this. That is an extremely painful feeling, that people you love no matter what you do, you can't please 'em. No matter how hard you try, you never measure up. Personally, I don't know of many things more painful than when you give it all you've got, try your very best, do everything you know to do and it's unacceptable, it's rejected, it doesn't measure up. And when you ask, "Well, how can I do any better"? And someone says, "Well, when you've done better and when you've done what's right, I'll let you know". You know what that's like? That's like saying to a kid or an adult, "There's the target way out yonder. It's about a mile away and it's in the fog. When you hit it, I'll tell you".
It is a horribly painful thing. And I think sometimes little children, and I have seen this in children as well as adults, when a kid tries his best and he doesn't measure up, here's the effect: In that grid system, as a result of that kind of instruction, teaching, that child goes through life, "No matter what I do, it'll never be enough". Now, you can absolutely destroy a child's initiative. When they grow up in that kind of a situation, "No matter what I do it's not gonna work. It's not gonna ever be enough," they berate themselves, they feel very, very guilty, they feel inadequate in life.
And oftentimes feel extremely rejected, why? Because, you know, if you can't believe in and you can't really and truly please your parents, I mean, of all the people in the world I believe a kid wants to please is his father or his mother or both, certainly both. I know in this city one man who committed suicide, and in his conversation with me on several occasions, he always brought back his father. He'd worked very hard. He was very successful. And every time in our conversation he would bring up his father. And what was he trying to do? Trying to please his dad. Loved his father, respected his father, honored his father, wanted to please his father, wanted his father's approval, couldn't do it.
No matter, listen, he would tell me the things that he tried to do to please his father and he wouldn't do it. One day he took his own life. I do believe in that sense of depression in which he took his life, depressed over the fact that this relationship, and he was getting older in life, and he still couldn't please his father. I think of another man. The same attitude toward his mother, trying his best to please her, trying his best to measure up, trying to show her extremely successful in this city compared to many other people, very, very wealthy. You know what? Wrecked and ruined his life. What was he doing? Out of desperation, depression, he couldn't ever please her no matter what, always "You should have done this. You should have done that".
Listen, if you want to destroy your child's initiative, if you want to destroy anybody's initiative, you just keep telling them, "Measure up, measure up, measure up". And the thing that makes it so painful is especially when the measuring rod or the measuring tape is so absolutely, listen, when it's so foggy and unclear and you ask them to measure up, and you know what? They never know when and if and how they could ever measure up. In their grid system, that child, that person when they become adults, it affects their life and their relationships, and here's what happens. They get married, for example. They try to please the other person. The other person can't be pleased.
So, after a while what do they do? They just throw up their hands and quit. Because no matter what they do, it doesn't work. And what happens is it creates anger, it creates resentment, it creates hostility. People either want to give up, and oftentimes things that they do that become very vengeful is because they feel they'll never measure up no matter what. So, what do you do? You give them a challenge, you give them a job, and they turn it down, why? Because they think, "I'll never measure up".
Second thing I want you to notice, and that is, this whole idea of a low self-esteem. Child grows up and they're always put down. Or, and you see, there are two ways this can happen to a child. For example, a father or a mother can say to their daughter, "You'll never amount to anything". That's terrible. But you know what that father can do on the other hand? That father can place the emphasis so strongly on the way that woman looks, that finally, listen, here's what'll happen. That woman can develop an attitude that her sense of worth is all wrapped up in looks only. That is bondage. On the other hand, the father can be crude and rude and oftentimes abusive, same effect. "Don't feel like I'm worth anything".
And so, when a person's grid, when that grid is not fueled and fed with positive affirmations, a person grows up feeling less than, feeling they don't count, feeling a sense of low self-esteem. They go through school. They don't make very good grades, why? Because they don't feel like they're worthy of it, they don't feel capable. What happens? That person grows up, that person grows up acting out what? Responding to today's circumstances, what? On the...what is it? It's not the adult responding, it's the little boy responding or the little girl responding. I remember saying to a couple one time, they came to me were talking about marriage and they were gonna get married.
And so, I always ask them, "Tell me about your father, tell me about your mother". And so, this particular person said, "Well, my mother's a very domineering person, and, yeah, I can tell you that". And so, I said to her, "Well, what about your parents"? And she said, "Well, my father is very, very passive, and my mother is very, very domineering". So, I said to them, "Well, look, before you get married, let me tell you what's gonna happen. He's gonna, listen, he's gonna back off because his mother is the one who runs the show. And what you're gonna do is because your mother's domineering, you're gonna step in there as an aggressive woman and next thing, you're gonna duplicate what you two of you came out of". "Oh, that won't happen to us".
It is exactly what happened. Listen, we're all products of our environment. That's why it's so very important that you and I create the environment in our family with these children so that they respond, listen, they grow up with a sense of affirmation and a sense of self-esteem and a sense of self-worth because when they get older, they're gonna act out. We all are going to act out in, listen. There will be something that triggers, something they, back there in the past that caused us pain. Once something, listen, even similar, it'll trigger that and what are we gonna do? The little boy's gonna come out, the little girl's gonna come out, and they're gonna respond.
Then we're gonna think, "Forgive me, Lord, don't understand why in the world I responded the way I did". That is the reason for it, because of those kind of attitudes. Well, what about, for example, people who grow up in an atmosphere of fear? Well, the parents say, "You know what? I just don't think we're gonna have enough. Probably not gonna be able to pay the bills this month". They cut the lights off. "We can't go anywhere, can't have vacation". In other words, a child grows up, fear, fear, fear of not having enough. A man said to me some time ago, he said, "I grew up in a family, and my mother said to me, 'The poorhouse is always around the corner.'"
You know what happens? When a child grows up fearing not having enough, they will naturally, normally be very materialistic because the parents have put into their grid system, "You've got to have enough. You've got to work hard. You've got to save. You've gotta make money because that's, listen, the poorhouse is right around the corner". It is a terrible way. You know what'll happen? That child will grow up and they'll go out and what'll they do? Financially, they'll make terrible decisions, because they want to make more money and they want to invest, or they want to have this and want to have that. Wealth takes the place of God. And yet you know the Bible says it's like a bird.
You know, here today and gone tomorrow. It comes quick, and you can lose it quickly. And so, what happens? They lose a few times, and despair and remorse begins to set in. You see, we must teach our children that our sense of security is not in things, but it's in a relationship. But if parents leave that impression and both parents, I'm not against both parents working if that's what God wants and that's, and certainly I'm sure that is His will for many, many people. Some people have to. Think about all these single parents here that have to work for their children. Difficulty and hardships come into people's lives and they have to go to work. I understand that.
You see, it's not so much what you do, it's what you implant within that child's mind and heart. They're going to grow up, and they're gonna keep on acting out those feelings. What about a distorted view of God, for example? Well, how does a child get a distorted view of God? Is it because the parent says, "God's ugly, God's mean, God's bad"? No, here's what happens. A child grows up and relates to his or her father. If the father's good and kind and gentle and loving, here's what happens. It's easier for that child to grow up believing that "God is a good God, God loves me, God is gentle and kind and loving".
Child grows up in a home where the parents are rude, crude, say nasty things, use foul language, care nothing about the things of God, abusive, oftentimes, in their language or either in physically. So, here is the major issue. The major person in their life is Dad. "Don't like my dad". And how many times have I heard this? "My dad never hugged me. Dad never told me I did a good job. Dad never put his arms around me". And sometimes a girl would say, "My dad never told me he loved me. Never told me I was pretty. Never seemed to care, never hugged me, never remembered my birthday". So, what happens? They grow up. What kind of an impression has been built into this grid? "I'm not important, the most important person in my life, not important".
So, they grow up and we say, "God's a good God". But you see, the little child who gets their impression about God from the father, you tell them that God is good, listen, I've talked to enough people and I talk to enough people to know that most people do not think in terms of God being a good, loving, gentle, kind God. They see Him as a taskmaster. They see Him as a God of justice. They see Him as a God of punishment. They see Him as a God who's always keeping records and keeping tabs on things. And what happens when we start talking about a loving Father? It doesn't match what the little child learned early in life, that that key figure, father: crude, rude, harsh, difficult, couldn't please him no matter what. And you grow up thinking, "How in the world can I please God"?
Well, it's not because somebody taught them they couldn't. It's simply because impressed in that little mind, that little heart, that "this figure I'm to submit to, my earthly father, I'm to be obedient to him, I'm to do what he says" next thing to God in that person's life, and they go through life never being able to please, never measuring up. Well, there are lots of those little childish things that develop in a person's life, and you probably have been able to maybe identify something in your life. Let me put it this way. If something keeps cropping up that gives you a problem, or you keep responding in a certain way, ask yourself this question: "Lord, is there some incident? Is there something back there in my life that happened that I've never traced back to see what it is? Is there something back there that I need to deal with so that I can be free and not respond in an improper way when things don't particularly go my way"?
So, you say, well, let's say, for example, that you recognize that these things are true in your life and so how do we deal with them? So, what I'd like to do is just to give you a few steps and this isn't something that you can say, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, yes, I've got it," but rather things that you'll need to consider, things that you'll need to think about. And let's put 'em in a fashion that I think something really simple that you can just begin to ponder and meditate on. And I think the first thing that you have to do is simply this: to identify it, that is, "Is there something that controls me at times that I don't want it to control me? In other words, can I identify a response that I have? Is there some response that I notice will keep cropping up in me when I don't really want to act that way, but I do"?
So, first of all, you've got to identify it. Secondly, you've got to own it. You can't say, "Well, yes, I have identified that and that was my mother's fault". No. "That was my father's fault". No, that's not the issue. The issue is, listen, I may have been programmed that way but if I identify the way I am responding that's not proper, then I must own that as an adult. I can no longer, listen, I can no longer blame my childish actions and attitudes and spirit on someone who maybe out of ignorance or maybe in their own ungodly fashion programmed me in a way that I'm suffering for it. So, therefore, I have to own it.
The third thing I have to do is, listen, is trace it back to its source. Where did that come from? What was the incident in my life? What did somebody say to me? What, in other words, who programmed this into my life? What makes me think and act and respond the way I do in certain circumstances and situations? Trace it back to its source. And my friend, the Spirit of God will help you do that. God, listen, if you begin to ponder and ask Him, He will help you trace it because He wants you to be a whole person.
The fourth thing is this. Once you've traced it back, listen, probably some person or some incident back there, forgive the person that you think, that you feel is responsible for the way you think and feel in those circumstances that you know that bind you, that is, you must be willing to forgive that person. If you're not willing to forgive them, you're not gonna get past that. Must be willing to forgive.
You say, "Well, yes, I can remember. When I grew up, my father this, my mother that". I can tell you in my own life that I grew up with a lot of rejection. And I had to deal with that in somebody's life and I had to go to that person and say to them, "You know, this is the way I acted and I want to ask you to forgive me for my response". You see, you can't say to them, "Now, here's what you did to me". No, it doesn't make any difference what they did.
You and I have to forgive the person for whatever they did, no matter what, because oftentimes that person's dead and gone, and you may have to set them down in a chair and just voice to that person, "I want to forgive you for the way you abused me. I want to forgive you for absolutely destroying my sense of self-esteem," and I can think of testimonies of people, things I've heard that people heard their parents say about them that was absolutely devastating to them. And you see, when a parent compares one child to the other? Absolutely devastating. When they're always bragging on one and downgrading the other, absolutely devastating. And so, a child grows up. If you want to deal with those things, you see, if that's deep down inside, it has to be dealt with, so you forgive the person that you think is responsible.
Next thing you do is forgive yourself. Because you see, when we grow up with these things, we feel guilty. We feel guilty for responding the way we respond. We feel guilty for acting the way we act. And so, we have to forgive ourselves. "God, I want You to forgive me for having these expectations of myself that absolutely are beyond any possibility of me living up to, trying to measure up, in my perfectionism. God, forgive me for my anxiety, my frustration, my fears when I've tried to live up to something that You certainly did not expect me to live up to". Then what you do is you ask God to set you free.
"Lord, You've helped me to see why I respond, why these childish things that crop up in me. Thank You for showing me that. Lord, I'm asking You. I own it. I assume responsibility for it. I've forgiven the person who's done it. I have forgiven myself, Father. I'm asking you to set me free and enable me to identify this response as childish when it pops up in my life, and at that moment identify, thank You for showing me that, and God, set me free of it".
You know what'll happen? God will set you free. Tracing it back to its source, discovering who was responsible back there, forgiving that person and forgiving yourself, I'm here to tell you, God, listen, He will deliver you from those, listen, from those behavioral patterns that are childishness that crop up in our lives as an adults. Listen, He will set you free of those if you ask Him to do it and believe that He has, and then, the most important thing is this, renew your mind about yourself. And that is, renew your thinking about yourself. You see, as far as God is concerned, you're okay and God loves you just the way you are. He's in the process of changing all of us. But what we do, we renew our minds.
So, how do we do that? When this thing crops up in our life, we say, "Thank You, Father, for showing me that. I thank You, dear God, that does not belong in my life any longer. And so, I want to be sensitive". And so, what happens? Well, as I begin to renew my mind, the way I think, I think, you know, "That may be a response because of my sense of inadequacy, and I got rejected and didn't belong. Thank You, Father, that I do belong. Thank You that You've accepted me. Thank You that You love me, and thank You, God, I'm all right in Your eyes". Doesn't mean that you're sinless and perfect. "I'm all right in God's eyes".
What happens? When you identify it and it crops up, shortly, it's not gonna crop up because, and you're gonna start, listen, you're gonna start acting out of your adulthood. Something comes along that triggers something that happened long time ago and you're gonna think, "Hm, hm, hm, I know where that came from. I don't own that any longer and that's no longer a part of me. Thank God I am now grown up enough to act like an adult and say, 'Help yourself, say anything you want to say about me, it's not gonna even phase me.'" You cannot, listen, there is a segment of psychology that wants to go around, and what do they do? They say, "Well, tell me about your past". Well, all of us can dig up enough junk in our past. It's like a bowl of poisoned soup. Who wants to look at all of that?
Now, if you're looking back to see what the source was and then you deal with it, that's one thing. But just going to some counselor and they just stir... "Well, back yonder your parents. And back yonder this, and back yonder that". Well, you know, back yonder nothing. I mean, after all, listen, we're living in the present. We assume responsibility for the past, we forgive ourselves, we forgive the person, and then what happens?
We say, "God, I want You to make me a whole person. I want to be an adult believer. I want to be an emotional adult. I don't want the childish things binding me and enslaving me any longer and I'm claiming, by faith, your release and your liberty and your freedom," and then, listen, you aggressively go after those things when they crop up in your life, and God will free you of them. Now, I could put everything I've said in this one sentence. Listen carefully. Every parent here has the most awesome, indescribable power to make your children a success or to destroy them before they ever leave your home.
The second thing I want to say is this: Every single one of us who is an adult has within us the power of the Holy Spirit to set us free of childish ways in order that you may and I may become the whole person God wants us to be. And listen, to begin to enjoy life and lay aside our discontent and our unhappiness, our discontent with circumstances and people and relationships, and begin to enjoy what Almighty God has provided for us as His children. Where does it all begin? It all begins, my friend, with trusting Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, acknowledging these things are true in your life, and then once you have received the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit then will enable you to go through the process and set you free.
Listen, the Bible says the truth will set us free. The truth about who God is in His relationship to you, the truth about who we are in our relationship to Him, the truth about who we are as persons, and the truth about the work of the Holy Spirit in our life will set us free of these things that cause bondage and heartache and trials and difficulty that God never intends for us to live with. And it is my prayer you'll be wise enough to consider this message, you'll be wise enough to take those simple suggestions and ponder them. Just reading them through and saying, "God bless me", no, pondering them, thinking back, searching back, thanking God that He's going to set you free. God will make you a free person.
And Father, we thank You that You desire that we be whole, whole persons emotionally, complete persons able to enjoy You and enjoy relationships that You bring into our life, and to enjoy You even through difficult and trying times. I pray for those who've never trusted Jesus as their Savior, they'll be wise enough to invite Christ into their life by faith and then take Your power on the inside of them and allow You to set them free in Jesus's name, amen.