Andy Stanley - One Game-Changing Decision for Relationships
Hi, everybody, welcome to "Your Move," where we help you make better decisions and live with fewer regrets. I'm Andy Stanley, and today, we're talking about what happy couples know. What happy couples know is there is one really big decision that makes all the difference in a relationship. So, if you're married, if you're about to be married, hope to get married, and if you're aiming for happily ever after, this is going to be so helpful. Now, if we've never met, here's something you need to know about me. I am not a marriage or relationship expert, but I have been happily married for 36 years. Sandra and I have three kids, and all three of our kids are married, and all three of them would tell you that they are leaning into what I'm about to share with you today.
So while I don't claim to know everything there is to know about a mutually satisfying relationship, I know a few things. And one of the things I know for sure is that there is a single decision that makes all the difference in a relationship. And if that sounds like an oversimplification, it's not. But what makes this catalytic decision challenging is that it feels more like a reaction than a decision, more reflex than choice, so it's easy to miss. But happy couples don't miss it, and I don't want you to miss it either. To ensure that you don't, let's begin with something that we've all experienced. From time to time, there's a gap between what we expect from people and what we actually experience from people, right? I mean, if you have kids, no illustration necessary. Happens all the time, right?
If you manage people at work, you get this. You ask that a project be completed by certain date, that date rolls around, and instead of a completed project, you get excuses. Or worse, you get nothing. There's a gap. There's a gap between what you expected and what you experienced. And while that's frustrating at work, it's usually resolvable at work. But what about at home? What happens when you're significant other creates the gap? What do you do when your husband or wife creates a gap? She says she'll be home by 6:00, 6:30 rolls around, she's still not home, you haven't heard a word, and she doesn't return your text. He promised to call the utility company by Thursday to get the power bill corrected.
Friday rolls around, and the bill is still sitting on his dresser where you left it a week ago. You have your own examples. My wife, Sandra, certainly has hers as well. The point being, from time to time, we're all confronted with or create gaps between what's expected and what is actually experienced. And although we've never met, here's something I know about you because I know it about me. When our significant other creates a gap, it is not an emotionally neutral event, is it? We feel something, don't we? We feel frustration, which is actually anger, but frustration sounds a lot better, doesn't it? We feel disappointed, we feel unappreciated. You go the extra mile to make a special occasion extra special and he or she doesn't even seem to notice. Their gratitude doesn't reflect your effort.
And you feel something, you feel unappreciated. There's that gap. He promised to clean up after the poker game. The next morning, you walk into the kitchen and it's a mess. It's his mess, it's his friend's mess. She said she would run that important errand so you could work late. You get home, she forgot. There's the gap. You expected one thing, but you experienced something different. And that brings us to the catalytic decision I referenced earlier. The decision every happy couple makes. And here it is.
When there's a gap between what we expect and what we experience, we actually decide. We choose what to place in that gap. Let me say that again because this is not intuitive. When there's a gap between what you expect and what you experience, you actually decide. You choose what to place in that gap. It doesn't feel like a decision because initially, our emotions cloud our thinking, right? We're mad, we're hurt, we're disappointed. And if we aren't careful, our initial emotional response will inform our verbal response. But did you know it doesn't have to? And our initial emotional response to the gap doesn't have to determine what we place in that gap.
In fact, in most instances, it shouldn't. And happy couples know this. Happy couples choose to place in that gap what is best for the relationship, rather than what their initial feelings suggest they place in the gap. Our initial response to those gaps is to assume the worst, right? "He doesn't care, he doesn't care about my time". "She doesn't think that what I do is important". "He only thinks about himself". "She's so disorganized". "He would rather be with his friends than be with me". Happy couples don't go there. They do not assume the worst. Happy couples choose to believe the best. Happy couples make it a habit to choose trust over suspicion. Happy couples come up with a generous explanation and they place that generous explanation in the gap.
And what does a generous explanation sound like? It sounds something like this. "You know, I'm sure it was something beyond his control causing him to be late". "You know, she has so much on her plate. I can understand why she forgot. I've done the same thing". "You know what? I'm actually glad he invites his friends over here, rather than going to one of their homes". "You know what? She doesn't make it a habit of doing this. I'm not gonna make this a big deal. In fact, I'm not even gonna mention it".
Did you know, a group of researchers years ago, looking for the common denominator among couples who went the distance? They did a multi-year international study, and they were stunned by what they discovered. Now, going in, like most researchers, the team had several theories, you know, all of which proved to be wrong. Turns out, 100% of the couples, this is amazing. 100% of the couples who went the distance relationally, they only had one thing in common. They made it a habit of providing a generous explanation for their partners' negative behaviors.
In fact, they rated their partners higher on positive traits than their partners rated themselves. The researchers concluded this, that love really is blind. The individuals in these relationships were somewhat blind to the deficiencies of their partners. They weren't in denial. They just made it a habit of filling the gaps with a generous explanation. They chose to believe the best. And the results? An upward spiral of trust that created more trust, and thus a desire to be trustworthy, a desire to fulfill the desires of their partners. This habit positively impacted actually every facet of their relationship.
That's why I'm convinced the decision to believe the best, to choose to fill the gap with a generous explanation is the best decision a couple can make. But, both parties have to play the game for the game to work. And if you or your spouse continues to create the same gap over and over, well, of course, you have to talk about it. This is about trust. And when a repeated behavior begins to erode trust, you have to talk about it. I mean, after all, trust is the currency of relationship. When it's in great supply, everything is easier, especially communication. But where trust is in short supply, even small things escalate into big things.
And this is important, you build trust by trusting and by being trustworthy. Not perfect, trustworthy, which means when you create a gap between what you said you would do and what you actually did, you own it immediately. No excuses. You own it immediately. And ideally, you own it before your partner even discovers it. Now, one of the most well-known statements in the New Testament is actually the Apostle Paul's description of love. You've probably heard this, maybe read at a wedding at some point in your life. It starts like this. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy or boast". Ring a bell?
Well, anyway, at the end of his description of love, he includes the following. This part doesn't get much airplay. He writes this, he says, "Love bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things". I love that. Love bears all things, it believes all things, and love hopes all things. Those three descriptors, bears, believes, and hopes, that's all about looking for a generous explanation. Show me a happy couple that's been together 10 plus years and I'll show you a couple who bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things.
They may not use that terminology, but I'll show you a couple who is practicing this principle. They are filling the gaps with trust, a generous explanation. They've made it a habit to believe the best. So, do you believe the best or do you have a habit of assuming the worst? What do you place in the gaps? Every relationship has gaps. And we choose, this is the point, we choose what to place in those gaps. Suspicion? Suspicion is a barrier, but trust, trust is a bridge, and the decision is yours every single time. And now, it's your move.