Andy Stanley - What You Say Matters
As you know, words are powerful. Words are extraordinarily powerful. In fact, your life has been shaped. Your life has been shaped. My life has been shaped. We have, all of our lives have been shaped by the words that were spoken to us, the words that were spoken over us, and the words that were spoken about us. Words shaped our childhood experiences. Words are shaping your marriages and your most intimate relationships. Words impact your confidence, your self-confidence. Words impact who you see. When you look in the mirror. People with no confidence have gained confidence simply through words spoken over them. And people with extraordinary confidence have lost confidence because of words spoken to them.
And the thing that makes this so fascinating and so difficult and so challenging is that the words, the words that we receive and the words that we speak are not equally weighted, are they? In fact, how many more positives does it take to counter one negative? I don't even know what the number is. There are actually some statistics, but it depends on what is said. When you hear a negative one, simple positive doesn't counter the negative because words are not equally weighted. We never forget, or we rarely forget hurtful words. It just sticks in us. It sticks in our hearts. We, we just remember the hurtful words. At the same time, we rarely remember encouraging words. In fact, some of you can remember that some, at some point in your past, your mom or your dad or a grandparent or a mentor sat you down and said, now, son or honey, or sweetheart, or you know, friend, you know, they looked at you. They said, what I'm about to say is so important. Never forget.
And you remember that somebody had a never forget conversation with you at some point in the past. You do not remember what came after that part. You just remember, oh yeah, I remember my dad would tell me this is important, and I forgot. But those, you know, the hurtful words, the criticism, the sarcasm, we just remember, and the words aren't equally weighted. It takes a whole lot more positive words, many, many more positive words to counter a single negative content. And not only are the words not weighted the same, the source isn't equally weighted. See, I'm a boss. My words weigh 150 pounds. In fact, every once in a while, my administrative assistant, you know, I'll be ready to march down the hall or go talk to somebody. She'll say, Andy, let, let, let me talk to them. My words only weigh 20 pounds your way. Words weigh 120 pounds.
If you're a mom, your words weigh 500 pounds, right? If you're a dad, I don't know why this is the case. Our words weigh the most. About two weeks ago, we, Sandra and I have a dear friend, family friend, who we've known since she was born, actually. And she, from 18 to about 23, she had a really, really, really hard and dark time. And now she's in her late twenties and she's battling her way out of it. She's doing so great. She went back to college, she's finishing school. She's a single mom. She's, she's just working so hard and she, her life is turning around and it's just because of her tenacity and her discipline. So I got the phone and I was on the phone with her, and I just was telling she lives in a different city. I was just encouraging her.
I said, just think about where you were three years ago. Think how far you've come. We're so Sandra and I are so proud of you. I was just being encouraging. And when I finished, there was silence. And here's what she said. I wish my dad would tell me that. I wish my dad would tell me that. Thank you, Andy. But your words don't weigh as much as my dad's. I would love to hear my dad say what you just said. His words weigh the most, and perhaps the most overlooked part of this dynamic is that the recovery time isn't the same either. Recovery time isn't equally weighted, right? The the hurt, when you hear somebody says something hurtful to you, it hurts immediately. But recovery takes time. In fact, no amount of words to the contrary, no amount of words to the contrary, create immediate healing or recovery.
And this is why it's so ridiculous when we say, but I said, I'm sorry. I said, I'm sorry. I said, I'm sorry, right? I said, I'm sorry. The implication is, why aren't you fine now? Why aren't you fine now? Why aren't we back? Why aren't we back to where we were before? I said what I said? I mean, I said something stupid. You got your feelings hurt. You called me on it. I said, I'm sorry. So why aren't we back to even? Well, for the same reason that if I accidentally slammed your hand in my car door, and then I opened my car door and you pull out your mangled fingers, and I say, I'm so sorry it was an accident. Well think we're not back to, we're not equal again. You're not whole again. We still have to go to the emergency room because I'm sorry, does not re, you know, does not reduce the need for a trip to the er, right? And the same is true for our words. Our words hurt. And more words don't immediately make things better. They are not equally weighted.